Overcoming Dead-End Disagreements (Part II)
Is there such a thing as a good fight? A peaceful argument? A productive disagreement? The truth is…having disagreements is a normal part of being in a relationship. When couples go through major life events (like a new job, new baby, new home, etc.), studies show that it is normal for couples to argue more during the initial transitional period. Make sure you take a look at Part I for more tips on fighting fair. Couples going through these changes should keep the following tips in mind: You know what you don’t like, but do you also know what you need? Take time to think of these specifics and share each one. Your partner shouldn’t just know or have to guess. Give them the road map. 2. Be honest with yourself and your spouse. Share your concerns. Set yourself free. Share who you really are. What you really need. And what your real limitations are with certain things. In a marriage, you sometimes have to remind your spouse that you’re human, not perfect, and despite that still deserve love, respect, and acceptance. 3. Give your reasons. Attempt to help your partner understand you better. Give them a context of just how important the issue is to you. Sometimes spouses haven’t addressed your needs because they assumed it was a want and not an important need. 4. Admit when you’re wrong. A humble pie is the most important food you’ll eat in marriage. Own your ish. Show your partner you care about how your actions impacted them or hurt their feelings. 5. Make sure you understand each other’s position by repeating it back to them. Couples make a lot of assumptions about how they think their partner feels about certain issues. This misinformation can create problems that do not exist or waste efforts. It may feel awkward to do at first, but this can help prevent a lot of confusion in important conversations. Written By: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach .
Red Flags Most People Overlook in Relationships (Part II)
Are you being honest with yourself about the main issues in your relationship? Are they normal issues or matters that require immediate change and support? Be sure to review Part I and then take a look at additional red flags for relationships: Red Flags of Silence: Have there been major issues that have come up, but your partner refuses to discuss them? Maybe they view discussing concerns as being ungrateful or unnecessary. or those problems are resolved by acting as if nothing bad ever happened. When relationships have a culture of “we don’t talk about problems” it will unintentionally cause a breeding ground for resentment and neglect. This may be a reg flag for silence. Red Flags of Minimizing: Does your partner tend to make your concerns seem like they’re not a big deal? Are issues seen as something to be ignored or just move past without addressing them fully? This type of behavior can make you feel as if you should remain silent about concerns. This may be a red flag for minimizing. Red Flags of Incompletion: Do you or your partner have a hard time letting issues go? Do you often avoid conversations about issues? Are you often confused about why your partner is so upset? This may be a red flag of incompletion. Red Flags of Unreliability: Do you or your partner have a difficult time letting people in? Have you spent most of your life relying on yourself? Do you avoid asking your partner for help or saying what you need so that you won’t be disappointed or hurt? This may be a red flag of unreliability. Written By: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach
Red Flags Most People Overlook in Relationships (Part 1)
How do you know the difference between regular relationship challenges versus unhealthy relationship behaviors? Is it really easy to miss red flags or do we choose to overlook the obvious? We want eliminate doubt and confusion regarding your relationship. Learn about the common red flags that are overlooked in relationships and get support today. Red Flags of Control: Do you or your partner get into disagreements regarding how you should feel about situations? Or disagreements about the way you make decisions (as if they’reway is the ONLY way)!? Maybe you do your best to avoid an argument or blame because it’s so exhausting or even humiliating. When you do disagree or push back, do you feel as if you are “walking on eggshells?” Tip toeing to avoid drama? This may be a red flag for control in your relationship. Red Flags of Perfectionism: Do you wonder if you could ever, please your partner enough? Or do you get the feeling that no matter what you do, it will never be good enough? Thatthere’s always something more to do or not to do. Do you hear criticisms much more often than you hear complements? This may be a red flag for perfectionism. Red Flags of Blame: Does it seem like your partner just won’t apologize, even when it is clear they were wrong? Do they often push the blame on other factors or even switch theconversation to things that you do that make them upset? This lack of accountability is not only frustrating, but it can be confusing. You might share your concern and then end up beingaccused as the cause of what has hurt you. That they are the victim or the one needing the apology? This may be a red flag for blame. Red Flags of Denial: It’s difficult to trust someone if their actions don’t line up with what they say. You are often in a state of confusion or digging for evidence of a feeling you have that your partner isn’t being completely honest. This can be them not being honest about how they feel about situations or conflict. Or even how they feel about monogamy. This may indeed be a red flag for denial. Written By: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach
Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part IV)
A lot of women’s stress comes from relationships. What did your parents teach you about relationships? What did they model for you? All of this stuff is within us, and it shows up somehow. As adults, we get to decide to “eat the meat and leave the bones.” 7. Break the cycle: These are certain cycles (some call generational curses) of certain behaviors you see in families generation after generation. Sometimes it doesn’t show up the same way and can have a different effect depending on the person. For example, when you’ve had a traumatic experience, you might work so hard to not be like your parent. Focusing on being the exact opposite. For example, when a person is in a controlling environment, they might say I’m never going to let anybody control me. In their relationships, they might show up being the controlling person. Or, out of the intense fear you experienced as a young person in a household filled with raging arguments, as an adult, you might shy away from disagreements or disappointing others because your body subconsciously remembers the fear and helplessness during the conflict. These are natural responses to experiencing trauma and can be overcome through therapy. 8. Use your voice: Address the internal issues you may be experiencing unconsciously. Over-responding to similar situations or under-responding is a typical trauma response reaction. When we haven’t healed that area, we put our defenses up. The challenge is that when I put up this emotional wall, I am protected, but unfortunately, support and love can’t come in. Help can’t come in, and love can’t come in. The things I really want can’t come in. So, there’s a cost to holding up this wall. Many of us are probably struggling with not asking for what we need, not asking for support, and maybe being the person who always helps others and gives to others. ] We need to give ourselves permission to grow and be happy, even if it’s scary to get started. With all you’ve been through, you deserve to give that gift to yourself. Consider therapy today. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor.
Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part III)
Tend to your body. Memories that stimulate intense emotions or fear from traumatic events can get trapped in our bodies. It is unexplainable moments of feeling tense, anxious, or defensive during non-threatening situations that may mean physically releasing the stress in our bodies is needed. Strategies like deep breathing, massage, and yoga release tension and stress. Therapy can help with unlearning unhealthy reactions to situations. 5. Drop the mask. Sometimes, what is happening today is triggered by hardships and other traumatic things that happened in the past, and it shows up in us, especially within our closest relationships. Let go of pretending to be okay. It will make you vulnerable, but that is how you ultimately become free. If you are so busy wearing a mask, you may never know the natural causes and solutions to your stress or unhappiness. Remaining guarded might make you feel like everyone is out to criticize, use you or betray you. Being protected may make you miss seeing that some unhealthy beliefs and choices are needed to address. The people that upset us the most have the potential to help us understand ourselves and grow more exponentially than most things. It could be a hidden gift, where you learn areas of your life where you need to address most. A great therapist can help you discover these areas and ways to become more at peace. 6. Learn your family history. There are issues that many families avoid discussing. Topics include financial struggles, mental health challenges, abuse, end of life, etc. Learning our family history can have a positive impact on MANY areas of our lives. For example, knowing which illnesses family members have had can become essential information so that we know how to prevent diseases and better care for ourselves. Sharing DNA frequently means sharing similar biochemistry. Knowing which medications worked well for other family members can be helpful. You may benefit from the same medication option if you have their illness. The same is valid for mental health. Sharing DNA can potentially mean sharing trauma for some. Epigenetic studies revealed that trauma could be stored in DNA and passed down. Knowing their history can explain so much and offer insight into unhealthy family behavioral patterns. The other part of knowing your roots is considering how your childhood might’ve impacted your current needs, stressors, and relationship choices. Consider not only DNA but what or who modeled to you. How did your parents deal with stress growing up? How did they deal with conflict? How did they express love? We’re there addictions? How did they show you they were proud of you? Were there too many rules or too few? Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part II)
When we’re constantly moving and shaking, problem-solving, and helping others, we eventually experience burnout. If you are a high-achieving person, an ambitious person at heart, you may experience this often. This may be surprising, but tracking how often burnout happens to you may be very helpful. Burnout often occurs in predictable cycles. For example, if you notice you’re crying or feel anxious more every three months now. You probably need to plan a mini vacation every three months or a vacation. Or if you know, in general, during or after certain projects or events, you become overwhelmed, you likely need to prepare by getting more hands to carry the load and to plan time off or more breaks. Learn your body, and know what it’s trying to tell you. Do not ignore it and push through. Tips for Lowering Stress: 2. Exercise. Our health experts have all told us that exercise is key to preventing certain physical illnesses. It is just as key to lowering stress and anxiety. Learn your preferred way of exercise (i.e. walking, dancing, weightlifting, etc.) and get moving! 3. Track your thoughts. Whatever you usually think about when issues happen will impact your emotions. Not only which emotions you feel but how intense and how long you feel them. Learning your thought patterns is key. Once you learn which critical, fearful thoughts you continue to have, you can decide what thoughts are healthier to think instead. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part 1)
You’ll sleep when you’re dead. Team no sleep. You’ve heard these phrases before. The truth is, it’s only sustainable for a while. Our mind and body will eventually show the wear and tear from years of pushing beyond what is healthy. We can only wear a game face for so long before that mask begins to crack. You might get aches and pains and stress-related illnesses. Stress can also make being patient with loved ones difficult. There are some other costs that we may have yet to consider. Science shows us that someone who has endured highly stressful environments/situations for an extended period experiences brain changes. The part of the brain that produces emotions, fear,, and impulsiveness grows larger. What does that mean? It means we get used to our norm being feeling anxious and chaotic. And what does that do to the body over time? It weakens our body’s ability to fight disease over time. It doesn’t matter what the source of high stress is. It can be ongoing high stress from work, relationships, etc. These things impact your immune system. Stress increases your risk of getting sick. Have you stopped taking care of yourself and instead taking care of everyone else? Checking within to see how you feel and what you need is essential in lowering stress. If you sometimes think emotionally and can’t pinpoint why: There could be a huge disconnect,, and learning what you need is critical! Ask yourself often: “How am I feeling? What do I need right now?” These are preventative measures you can take today, to prevent prolonged stress from turning into something else. You may have endured very toxic situations for so long that your way to get through it, whether in childhood or more recently, is not to feel the stress from it. Emotional numbing is our brain’s way of keeping us safe from intense emotions when not in safe conditions. Examples are an inability to recall details from certain stressful life events or difficulty knowing your feelings. There are ways to can help you work through it. Know how your body responds when you’re at different levels of stress. We all react to our bodies when we’re stressed. Even if you tend to numb your emotions, you can still be observant about what your body does. (Ie: pace, face feeling hot, stomach discomfort, eye twitch, sweat, etc.). Learn what your body does at the low level of experiencing stress. Know what your body does at the middle level and intense level. The extreme level is more evident for most. Learning the reactions at low and moderate levels is essential to do things that will bring down your stress. Make it a habit to no longer wait until you’re under this intense pressure to try to calm down because it will be much more complicated. Working with a therapist can teach you various ways to reduce stress for a healthier life. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
5 Tips Every Entrepreneur Should Do To Save Your Marriage (Part I)
If your relationship is not the same way it used to be. It’s become like a roommate situation. We are here to help you get back to feeling like soulmates. 1. Have a plan for your stress. Running a business is stressful! There is always a problem to be solved; there are new questions, someone needing you, and something to learn all the time. And it’s easy to pull that stress home. This stress may at times, make you moody with having so much on your mind. You already have that level of stress on you trying to figure out problem-solving, training, new software, and learning how to market better. Then your sweetheart comes wanted to have a serious talk about your relationship. Think about the amount of patience you need for the relationship to work well. You’re not going to have enough patience unless you have great ways to deal with your stress. That is why the 1st relationship tip is to manage stress. Some of you will say: “I just push through; I do what I must do.” “I’ll be okay, or I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” That’s not a healthy plan for stress. Create a morning strategy. Think about what you can do in the mornings. Although, we can’t predict what will happen throughout the course of a day nor how much time we’ll have at night. The most predictable amount of time in a day is typically in the mornings. So, I want to challenge you right now to do at least one thing for yourself in the morning. It could be exercise-related (i.e., yoga, running, aerobics, walking). What are you doing to really rejuvenate in the morning? For many, upbeat music are a big motivator and mood booster. Other options aren’t limited to but include prayer, meditation, affirmations, aroma therapy, reading inspirational literature, or listening to inspirational youtube videos. What are you intentionally doing to feed your heart, mind, and spirit? To feed your body with the stamina and focus that you need to be an entrepreneur and with something left over for your spouse or partner. Create a stress plan. And if, by chance, attempts remain difficult: see somebody about it. There are plenty of therapists and plenty of wellness coaches that could help you create one. 2. Have a hard conversation I know what you might think: I’m NOT TRYING TO HAVE ANY EXTRA ARGUMENTS! Why would I want to be intentional about having hard conversations? I do mean some specific ones. You know what might be coming up in your business (i.e., when your schedule will be busier than normal, out-of-town meetings, etc.). You may be in the beginning stages of your business. It’s important to have a conversation about the sacrifice of time or finances that is coming. Discuss and plan for finances to be tight in the beginning. It is better to have those challenging conversations than to be on the other side of your partner feeling blindsided. (Ie. They had no idea that you were planning on dedicating these many hours during the day, and they have no idea that certain plans like vacations or new purchases need to be put on pause). Share in advance if you know you won’t be able to help with the mortgage that month. Grow the courage to talk about it even if you’re afraid. Be prepared to give suggestions of what you are willing to do because of those challenges. (Ie. Are you willing to go back to your full-time job after a certain time period? Or will you get a part-time job if there are financial challenges along the way? If you know it will take a lot of hours to get this thing to where it needs to be, have you dedicated a consistent time slot for each other in addition to those long work hours that you will do?) You want to show that not only are you committed to your business, but you are committed to your family. You are committed to your partner as well. The success of your business matters, but so does your partner’s needs too. And I know many people have this idea: “I am doing this for my family. I am doing this for the legacy, so they don’t have to ever struggle in the future.” “If they would just understand that and stand by me, we would be okay.” But here is the reality: no one wants to feel ignored, neglected, or taken for granted. Placed on a shelf. “I see you when I see you.” When your business is thriving and moving the way you wanted it to, they are gone. Either emotionally or physically. That is why we have candid, challenging conversations. Be open to hearing their suggestions. They also have suggestions that might make them feel better and a little more considered. 3. You must have a NO Work Zone. We all benefit from having limits and boundaries. Boundaries are for you AND your family. You cannot let your business take over your whole life. You must create boundaries to live without common regrets of times you can’t get back. But pertaining to your relationship. Say, in this block of time, there will be no business tasks. If you do not set these boundaries, you run the risk of always working or thinking about work. At the end of life, people often regret chasing money so hard that they didn’t get to enjoy quality time with those they love most. And what did we say before? If we don’t spend that quality time, they will leave either physically or emotionally. An example of knowing that you are creating a no-work zone is you are going to having a consistent date night. Something will always come up. Whether it’s a pandemic or no babysitter, your marriage needs a consistent date night to keep that spark. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Go to dinner, a park, or have a
What Should Couples Discuss About Finances: Overcoming Financial Fights in Your Relationship Part 4
Couples should be looking at or discussing finances. Let’s get more specific: Create a Budget or spending plan. If you have a budget or spending plan. You should be reviewing that regularly. Line item by line item. Decide what expenses or goals need to be cut. What needs to be reduced? In looking at your budget, what needs to be changed, what needs to be fixed, and what needs to be removed? Consider reducing overall spending (If you don’t need it, don’t buy it right now). Assess whether it’s a need VS a want. If you do not have emergency savings, consider limiting your wants. Increase your cash reserve for a savings account. What a great time now to establish an emergency fund to be used only for emergency reasons. Also, Assess your life insurance policy for added protections for your family. We are going to pump money into our priorities rather than our wants. Take action, and be practical when it comes to your finances. Find creative ways to reduce expenses, and you’d be surprised with how much money you can save and use for something else. There are a number of budgeting tools, like budget worksheets. It is a great feeling to see where your money is going. Oftentimes, we are in a relationship with someone with a different spending habit or viewpoint than we do. One maybe freer spirited and more of an abundance thinker, and the other one maybe more conservative and more into planning and saving. You both coming together can be a great balance as long as you’re communicating and you’re valuing each other’s perspectives. Talking about your finances, really working as a team helps with the quality of your life. And I’m a firm believer in creating generational wealth. Who Makes the final decision with finances? The first action is you must come together and discuss the situation or the circumstances. Whatever it is, put everything out on the table. If you’re telling the story, nor the person having to listen, make sure you both understand the financial situation. Then, you come up with some solution, so both parties are involved. You come up with something that you can do. You may have a little bit more knowledge in one area vs. your spouse, but you’re both putting the problem on the table, and you’re coming up with solutions on the table. Then you want to come to an agreement on what you are going to do. Regardless of where this suggestion came from. You both have to come to an agreement. There shouldn’t just be one person who has knowledge about what’s going on in your finances as a family. Regardless, if you have someone who has more of a leadership role. No one should be blind, and everyone’s voice should still count; you are coming together as one and as a team. Create an environment where you can come up with compromises. Accepting that you both have different views versus proving who’s right and who’s wrong. Working together makes life so much easier. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
What Should Couples Discuss About Finances (Overcoming Financial Fights in Your Relationship Part III)
There are a lot of different questions that we should be asking ourselves, especially those that are in a relationship or looking to be married one day. By addressing certain questions regarding our finances: We can get on the same page to understand why we spend. Why are we so conservative? Why are we so restrictive or private with our finances? Why are we in debt? Why do we have bad credit? Discuss these things and put them out on the table. And once we begin to communicate and put together a plan, we agree on which action to take. That resolves a whole lot of arguments right there. Become open and honest about it. We no longer hide those financial decisions or habits that we are not proud of. Marriage is about being honest, open, and revealing. Communication and consistency help build trust. And little communication can also mean secrets. Maybe, when you were dating, you didn’t share that you had these bill balances floating around, and you now know all of these different things going on, and maybe it’s really difficult to talk about it. An article a few years ago stated that 20 to 30% of couples actually hide accounts from their spouse. When we hide things from our spouse, we are damaging trust. Some hide their poor financial decisions out of embarrassment. In marriage, it’s important to share what you don’t understand and, when possible, learn it together or have one teach the other. It’s okay to have made mistakes; just be sure not to run from them. When a spouse opens up, learn to respond with compassion so that they will continue to open up and work as a team. It’s not enough to discuss finances a few times per year. Consider meeting together at least once or twice a month to discuss income and expenses. Come together to see how much money you’ve spent, comparing spending, saving, and investment trends from months before and whether you’re meeting your couples’ financial goals. Sit down and see how much money you do have. Sit down and see what bills are coming in and what needs to be paid. Both of you should know what’s happening financially. Oftentimes, we tend to make money decisions out of emotions. We should be creating a home of security and safety. If your spouse feels safe and secure, She/He has no problem telling meany issues that they may face or any concerns or mistakes that she’s made. They have a safe place with us. We do not judge them for money issues, concerns, or mistakes. Learn to listen. So, when those things come up, we have a place that makes it easier to talk about any financial issues or concerns that you may have. If your finances are causing you extreme stress. Pause… Take a breath. Take a step back. Assess all of what’s happening, especially the positives. Maybe there is still food on the table. You are still in your home. We can overlook these positives and just worry about the future that hasn’t even happened yet. You may have to let it out through tears.But always remember to move forward and have each other’s back. Could you lean all the way back and let your partner catch you? Do you trust them to that extent Friction, low moments like this can be a time where you either turn on each other Or you turn to each other? Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
