Biggest challenge with couples’ finances: (Overcoming Financial Fights in Your Relationship Part II)

Communication is probably the biggest challenge for couples. Speaking to each other versus speaking with each other is completely different. A lot of times we’re speaking at each other and that comes off very aggressive as opposed to speaking with each other. So, communication is one of those things that’s very important not only regarding discussions but also coming to some form of an agreement. When there is a lack of communication there can also be a lack of trust. Trust is the key. Most people think that trust should just automatically happen.It comes through communication and consistency. We have to be aware of our non-verbal communication (body language/facial expressions) and verbal communication. It is very important that we talk things out. Get on the same page. Oftentimes, if you didn’t start on the right footing like pre-marital counseling or a financial planner you may wonder why you’re disagreeing and fighting. It’s simply because you have not sat down and actually, have a great, open, honest conversation about your viewpoint of money, your understanding of money and your history with money. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor

“The Real Reason You’re Beefin’ In Your Relationship” Part II

As we shared in Part I, The Hailstorm is the pursuer in the relationship during arguments. Pushing the matter even if it’s not the right time or place. You might think the Hailstorm is the one that is problem. They tend to be “the loud ones” during a disagreement. It’s important to understand that neither disagreement style is better than the other. Even with The Elephant in the Room, the person tends to shut down during disagreements. When you get upset about something, you rarely know what matters to you. Your partner won’t fully understand what you actually need or grasp the extent of how important or hurt you are about a matter of shutting down continues. In many cases, you can go years of being upset about certain important things in the marriage without your partner knowing or understanding fully. In avoiding being misunderstood or the stress of conflict, you unintentionally set yourself up in a relationship where you grow distant daily. Appearing normal on the outside but slowly fading away from the marriage. The avoidance of conflict can destroy a relationship. Whether you are The Hailstorm or The Elephant in the Room, you both need the same thing! Take a time out when your blood is nearly boiling or you are becoming overwhelmed. Share that you need a moment to cool off respectfully and share when you would like to revisit the conversation. Breathe… do what you do that brings you calm. Listen to that good music. Take a walk. Watch something funny on TV. Whatever you would like to do. And then come back to it. Some might be concerned about doing this. What if they use this to avoid having a conversation altogether? Remember to take a minute and bring yourself back to the conversation when everyone is calm. As a couple, you should be attacking the problem and not each another. Let’s keep these marriages beautiful and healthy. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor

“The Real Reason You’re Beefin’ In Your Relationship” Part I

What is it like for your significant other to disagree with you? It is hard to get anywhere? Is it hard to be on the same page? Here are some important tools or strategies for not just couples but also family members or friends. This information comes from the Imago body of Research and from what I’ve seen and shared with my clients. Usually, we show up as one of Two Disagreement Styles. Either as what we call the Elephant in the Room or the Hailstorm If you are the Elephant in the Room when things get heated and intense with your partner or family member, you have a tendency to get really overwhelmed. The disagreements feel too stressful and make it important to have time to cool down. During arguments, you tend to shut down. When you’ve had enough of the issue, you tend to stop talking and sometimes are accused of seeming to care no longer. You may be viewed as if you are ignoring your partner, but really, you’re overwhelmed and need a minute.  When overwhelmed, some might say a joke and try to change the subject. While others may say something rude in order to shut down the whole conversation.  When you end the conversation for relief, it is not usually done in a helpful way.  Does this sound like you or your spouse? Remember, there is another argument type to consider, the Hailstorm. During disagreements or when your feelings are hurt, you need to resolve the issue right away. What is wrong with that? How could that be a problem, you might ask? The issue is that the pressure is too much and too intense. An example of this is if you are in a category of the hailstorm and you’re in your feelings: you might follow your partner around the room throughout the house. Or you might send them tons of text messages making sure your mate hears you and understands your concerns. You thoroughly review your concerns, even if it entails repeatedly going over the same issue. It simply can’t wait. But the issue is it might not be the right time to talk about it. Especially if your energy is so intense or your partner is overwhelmed. You may make your partner feel so small or cornered that they even feel the need to blow up to match your energy to help them protect their pride, agree with something uncomfortable, or abandon the conversation altogether. This can feel like a parent-child situation, and that’s not sexy at all to have that kind of relationship in a marriage. If you’re in this endless loop in your marriage, ask us about our amazing couples counseling services. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor .    

3 Common Mistakes Married Couples Make (Part II)

Married Life or Life Sentence? After so many years of marriage, many couples feel more like coworkers than lovers. With countless “meetings” about chores, finances, parenting, and schedules, marriage can begin to feel more like a job than a relationship. What happened to having fun together, dating, and traveling? Did it become sleepy sex, ships crossing paths at night, and kid-centered activities? It’s important not to get distracted by the never-ending list of responsibilities that come with adulting and get back to making intimacy, friendship, and quality time a priority. I know what you may be thinking…we don’t have time because of work or the kids. But when those kids leave the house, what will you have left? When you finally achieve all of your career goals, will you leave the house? What will you have left? When you finally achieve all of your career goals, will it be as satisfying if you had to lose your family in order to do it? Make time. My Way or The Highway! Ever feel like you have to follow behind your spouse with chores, paying bills, cooking, and keeping up with the kids’ school assignments and activities out of fear they will drop the ball? Or maybe you feel like you walk on eggshells because your spouse is a perfectionist who sees no way to do it if it’s not their way! This is a parent-child type of relationship. A parent-child relationship is where one spouse behaves like a critical parent who is tired of the burden of being the responsible one. The other spouse may feel tired of feeling like no matter how hard they try; they can never do anything good enough for their spouse. Nothing kills the mood more than feeling like you’re in a relationship with a parent or child. It’s important to communicate respectfully and patiently and devise compromises that capture each spouse’s concerns. Get support if you cannot resolve this on your own. Situations involving intimidation, belittling, accusations, and control may be tied to a deeper issue related to abuse, which is not resolved in couples counseling but through batterer intervention programs. Uncomfortable Conversations Over Resentment! I’d like to have an argument today with my spouse…said no one ever! Let’s face it; sometimes, it feels better to avoid issues than to face them. Conflict, for most people, isn’t fun. This often leads to avoiding discussing important issues, feelings, or needs. I know what you’re thinking. You’re preserving your peace! The silent treatment can do just as much or more damage to a relationship than arguing. Because when issues remain unaddressed and unresolved, they often fester and become a growing resentment. Over time, resentment can be extremely difficult to recover from in a marriage. The emotional distance, negative assumptions of what their spouse may feel, and feelings of emotional neglect over long periods of time (is not impossible, but is difficult to repair) Seek out Support. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach