“The Real Reason You’re Beefin’ In Your Relationship” Part I

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What is it like for your significant other to disagree with you?

It is hard to get anywhere?

Is it hard to be on the same page?

Here are some important tools or strategies for not just couples but also family members or friends.

This information comes from the Imago body of Research and from what I’ve seen and shared with my clients.

Usually, we show up as one of Two Disagreement Styles. Either as what we call the Elephant in the Room or the Hailstorm

If you are the Elephant in the Room when things get heated and intense with your partner or family member, you have a tendency to get really overwhelmed. The disagreements feel too stressful and make it important to have time to cool down. During arguments, you tend to shut down.

When you’ve had enough of the issue, you tend to stop talking and sometimes are accused of seeming to care no longer. You may be viewed as if you are ignoring your partner, but really, you’re overwhelmed and need a minute.  When overwhelmed, some might say a joke and try to change the subject. While others may say something rude in order to shut down the whole conversation.  When you end the conversation for relief, it is not usually done in a helpful way.  Does this sound like you or your spouse?

Remember, there is another argument type to consider, the Hailstorm. During disagreements or when your feelings are hurt, you need to resolve the issue right away. What is wrong with that? How could that be a problem, you might ask?

The issue is that the pressure is too much and too intense. An example of this is if you are in a category of the hailstorm and you’re in your feelings: you might follow your partner around the room throughout the house. Or you might send them tons of text messages making sure your mate hears you and understands your concerns. You thoroughly review your concerns, even if it entails repeatedly going over the same issue. It simply can’t wait. But the issue is it might not be the right time to talk about it. Especially if your energy is so intense or your partner is overwhelmed. You may make your partner feel so small or cornered that they even feel the need to blow up to match your energy to help them protect their pride, agree with something uncomfortable, or abandon the conversation altogether.

This can feel like a parent-child situation, and that’s not sexy at all to have that kind of relationship in a marriage. If you’re in this endless loop in your marriage, ask us about our amazing couples counseling services.

Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor

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The Silent Crisis: Unveiling the Mental Health Struggles in the Black Community

In recent years, the black community in the United States has been grappling with a disturbing and often overlooked issue: the rising suicide rates and the increased reliance on emergency mental health inpatient hospitalization. This article delves into the statistics, underlying reasons, and the deeply rooted challenges that exacerbate these mental health struggles. Rising Suicide Rates: A Stark Reality According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) and Mental Health America (MHA), suicide rates among black individuals have been on a troubling upward trajectory. These statistics are not just numbers; they represent lives cut short and communities in mourning. For example, SAMHSA reports a significant increase in suicide rates among black youth, with the rate nearly doubling between 2014 and 2018. MHA’s data corroborates this trend, highlighting that suicide has become the second leading cause of death for black children aged 10-14 and the third leading cause for black adolescents aged 15-19. Emergency Inpatient Hospitalization: One alarming trend is the high rate at which black individuals first receive mental health services through emergency inpatient hospitalization. This statistic underscores a reactive rather than proactive approach to mental health care within the community. Dr. King Davis, Chair of Mental Health and Social Policy at the University of Texas at Austin, has extensively researched this phenomenon. He explains that many black individuals turn to emergency services due to a lack of access to regular, preventive mental health care, coupled with a distrust of outpatient psychiatric treatment. Underlying Reasons: Stigma, Historical Mistrust, and Stereotypes Several factors contribute to the increased suicide rates and the high utilization of inpatient hospitalization over counseling and outpatient treatment. Dr. Davis points to the pervasive stigma surrounding mental health in the black community as a critical barrier. Mental illness is often seen as a weakness or personal failing, discouraging individuals from seeking help. Historical mistrust also plays a significant role. The black community’s experience with the mental health system is marred by a history of unjust treatment and exploitation. This mistrust is rooted in well-documented instances, such as the unethical Tuskegee Syphilis Study, which have left a lasting legacy of suspicion towards medical institutions. Furthermore, harmful stereotypes about the mental health of African Americans persist. These stereotypes, perpetuated by societal and media portrayals, suggest that black individuals are more resilient and thus less in need of mental health support. This misconception can lead to underdiagnosis and undertreatment of mental health issues within the community and thereby exacerbates unaddressed conditions that become urgent over time. An urgency that can be prevented with early treatment. Attitudes Toward Medication: A Complex Relationship African American attitudes towards medication for mental health conditions further complicate the landscape. According to Dr. Davis and research from the American Psychiatric Association, there is a prevalent skepticism towards psychiatric medication. Many fear potential side effects and long-term dependency, while others believe that medication is unnecessary or ineffective. These attitudes can result in lower adherence to prescribed treatments, contributing to the higher rates of emergency interventions. Something Must Be Done: Addressing the mental health crisis in the black community requires a multifaceted approach. Reducing stigma, building trust in the mental health system, and dismantling harmful stereotypes are essential steps. Additionally, increasing access to preventive mental health care and promoting culturally competent treatment options can help shift the focus from emergency responses to proactive, sustained support. The UP Company, a local private practice that provides counseling services is also determined to help reduce the stigma of mental health in the Black community. Owner and licensed therapist, Natasha Oates wanted to identify more high quality options for clients who could benefit from medication in addition to therapy. “Sadly, I knew about only two options who had great reputations, so I reached out to various therapist groups in the area to learn who the best psychiatrists are that are African American.” Natasha Oates quickly learned that many of her fellow colleagues wanted to know the same information as well. That’s how the Best Black Psychiatrists of Charlotte was created. The recommendations from local therapists, nurse practitioners and social workers were compiled and then vetted against online reviews. This list is now not only available for clinicians to use as a top tier referral list but for all and is one small step toward rebuilding trust and credibility for the improvement in mental health services for the Black community. As we confront these dire challenges, it is crucial to amplify the voices of those affected and advocate for systemic changes. Only then can we hope to reverse the troubling trends and foster a future where mental health care is accessible, equitable, and effective for all. References

Don’t Let Your Business Ruin Your Relationship!

By: Natasha Oates Award-Winning Therapist, Keynote Speaker & Retreat Host A few years ago, I vowed that I would never say, “I built an amazing business empire and all it took was the end of my marriage.” Let’s face it; the odds are against marriages. We all know that divorce is happening on every street. But the question is, what are you willing to do not to let it come to your front door? I challenge you to work and think more intentionally as a married business owner. Here are 5 Tips for Married Entrepreneurs: Owning a business means accepting that some of your days will be filled with high levels of stress! Balled up in a corner, worried about the outcome of your latest investment/venture type of stress. When we have high levels of stress: blood rushes from the part of the brain that thinks logically to the part of the brain that is impulsive and emotional. This leads us to Rule #1. Rule #1: Have a weekly routine to relieve stress. Sound too simple? It’s so easy to get overwhelmed and to become a moody ticking time bomb or a distant grouchy spouse when you have so much on your plate from multiple directions. You can end up overreacting and taking out frustrations on your spouse. Instead take them out on the treadmill, a yoga pose, or a card game with the fellas. Ever heard that marriage is all about good communication? Yeah, me too. Considering the complexities of owning a business, the risk/expenses, the countless hours, and yeah sometimes even the lack of profit: communication is extremely important! Which leads us to Rule #2. Rule #2: Have honest conversations about how the needs of the business will affect the family Now, this is where many entrepreneurs would much rather bury their heads in the sand than discuss this. If these discussions are avoided, then they will likely come up explosively at a time when you’re not prepared or ready to discuss. Let’s face it, when you’re sharing household expenses, financially planning for your children’s college, and both of your retirement, these types of discussions are important to have. Let alone when you have pressing business concerns that need more of your time than usual. Be upfront about the time frame that’s needed for you to complete tasks for the business. FYI Rule #2 won’t work without following this next one on boundaries. Any person with healthy self-esteem will NOT continuously be put on a shelf without eventually emotionally or physically choosing divorce. Rule #3: Have a no-work zone You didn’t become a business owner to neglect your kids and piss off the Love of Your Life. It’s important to carve out time for your children and spouse ahead of time. Don’t let date night die. Find out how often your spouse wants a date night and make it happen! Team no excuses. The business takes up a lot of your time and energy. The last thing you should do is constantly talk about the business with your spouse. Remember Rule #4 during date night too: Rule #4: Know when to zip your lip You are passionate about what you do. So passionate that you’re constantly thinking, strategizing, and maybe even constantly talking about your business too. Keep in mind that your family goes through sacrifices too when you’re working on your business. It may be upsetting not only to have to have less time with you because of the business, but also the time that they do have you’re STILL talking about the business! That’s what business besties are for. We get comfortable after being married for a long time. Too comfortable. Especially when time and energy is often limited. Here’s the last tip: Rule #5: Do the things you used to do That’s right! Those things that put a smile on your Honey’s face. How are you dressing and keeping your hair? What do you do to make them feel appreciated and loved? Think of them as a customer. Have you delighted them? As business owners, we know that it’s much easier to keep a current loyal customer than to attract a new loyal one. So set the goal to have an amazing marriage and like your business goals hit a home run. Remember your spouse is going through challenges too and they more than deserve the extra effort.  Let’s get connected! Reserve your spot NOW for The Love That Lasts Fall 2022 Retreat in Durham, NC for a weekend of fun couples activities, life-changing seminars, and a moving recommitment ceremony. For online or in-office relationship coaching reserve your session with relationship expert Natasha Oates. Hire Natasha for your group’s retreat event by emailing: natasha@upcompany.org or calling or texting 980-285-3833.