What Should Couples Discuss About Finances: Overcoming Financial Fights in Your Relationship Part 4
Couples should be looking at or discussing finances. Let’s get more specific: Create a Budget or spending plan. If you have a budget or spending plan. You should be reviewing that regularly. Line item by line item. Decide what expenses or goals need to be cut. What needs to be reduced? In looking at your budget, what needs to be changed, what needs to be fixed, and what needs to be removed? Consider reducing overall spending (If you don’t need it, don’t buy it right now). Assess whether it’s a need VS a want. If you do not have emergency savings, consider limiting your wants. Increase your cash reserve for a savings account. What a great time now to establish an emergency fund to be used only for emergency reasons. Also, Assess your life insurance policy for added protections for your family. We are going to pump money into our priorities rather than our wants. Take action, and be practical when it comes to your finances. Find creative ways to reduce expenses, and you’d be surprised with how much money you can save and use for something else. There are a number of budgeting tools, like budget worksheets. It is a great feeling to see where your money is going. Oftentimes, we are in a relationship with someone with a different spending habit or viewpoint than we do. One maybe freer spirited and more of an abundance thinker, and the other one maybe more conservative and more into planning and saving. You both coming together can be a great balance as long as you’re communicating and you’re valuing each other’s perspectives. Talking about your finances, really working as a team helps with the quality of your life. And I’m a firm believer in creating generational wealth. Who Makes the final decision with finances? The first action is you must come together and discuss the situation or the circumstances. Whatever it is, put everything out on the table. If you’re telling the story, nor the person having to listen, make sure you both understand the financial situation. Then, you come up with some solution, so both parties are involved. You come up with something that you can do. You may have a little bit more knowledge in one area vs. your spouse, but you’re both putting the problem on the table, and you’re coming up with solutions on the table. Then you want to come to an agreement on what you are going to do. Regardless of where this suggestion came from. You both have to come to an agreement. There shouldn’t just be one person who has knowledge about what’s going on in your finances as a family. Regardless, if you have someone who has more of a leadership role. No one should be blind, and everyone’s voice should still count; you are coming together as one and as a team. Create an environment where you can come up with compromises. Accepting that you both have different views versus proving who’s right and who’s wrong. Working together makes life so much easier. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
What Should Couples Discuss About Finances (Overcoming Financial Fights in Your Relationship Part III)
There are a lot of different questions that we should be asking ourselves, especially those that are in a relationship or looking to be married one day. By addressing certain questions regarding our finances: We can get on the same page to understand why we spend. Why are we so conservative? Why are we so restrictive or private with our finances? Why are we in debt? Why do we have bad credit? Discuss these things and put them out on the table. And once we begin to communicate and put together a plan, we agree on which action to take. That resolves a whole lot of arguments right there. Become open and honest about it. We no longer hide those financial decisions or habits that we are not proud of. Marriage is about being honest, open, and revealing. Communication and consistency help build trust. And little communication can also mean secrets. Maybe, when you were dating, you didn’t share that you had these bill balances floating around, and you now know all of these different things going on, and maybe it’s really difficult to talk about it. An article a few years ago stated that 20 to 30% of couples actually hide accounts from their spouse. When we hide things from our spouse, we are damaging trust. Some hide their poor financial decisions out of embarrassment. In marriage, it’s important to share what you don’t understand and, when possible, learn it together or have one teach the other. It’s okay to have made mistakes; just be sure not to run from them. When a spouse opens up, learn to respond with compassion so that they will continue to open up and work as a team. It’s not enough to discuss finances a few times per year. Consider meeting together at least once or twice a month to discuss income and expenses. Come together to see how much money you’ve spent, comparing spending, saving, and investment trends from months before and whether you’re meeting your couples’ financial goals. Sit down and see how much money you do have. Sit down and see what bills are coming in and what needs to be paid. Both of you should know what’s happening financially. Oftentimes, we tend to make money decisions out of emotions. We should be creating a home of security and safety. If your spouse feels safe and secure, She/He has no problem telling meany issues that they may face or any concerns or mistakes that she’s made. They have a safe place with us. We do not judge them for money issues, concerns, or mistakes. Learn to listen. So, when those things come up, we have a place that makes it easier to talk about any financial issues or concerns that you may have. If your finances are causing you extreme stress. Pause… Take a breath. Take a step back. Assess all of what’s happening, especially the positives. Maybe there is still food on the table. You are still in your home. We can overlook these positives and just worry about the future that hasn’t even happened yet. You may have to let it out through tears.But always remember to move forward and have each other’s back. Could you lean all the way back and let your partner catch you? Do you trust them to that extent Friction, low moments like this can be a time where you either turn on each other Or you turn to each other? Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
Biggest challenge with couples’ finances: (Overcoming Financial Fights in Your Relationship Part II)
Communication is probably the biggest challenge for couples. Speaking to each other versus speaking with each other is completely different. A lot of times we’re speaking at each other and that comes off very aggressive as opposed to speaking with each other. So, communication is one of those things that’s very important not only regarding discussions but also coming to some form of an agreement. When there is a lack of communication there can also be a lack of trust. Trust is the key. Most people think that trust should just automatically happen.It comes through communication and consistency. We have to be aware of our non-verbal communication (body language/facial expressions) and verbal communication. It is very important that we talk things out. Get on the same page. Oftentimes, if you didn’t start on the right footing like pre-marital counseling or a financial planner you may wonder why you’re disagreeing and fighting. It’s simply because you have not sat down and actually, have a great, open, honest conversation about your viewpoint of money, your understanding of money and your history with money. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
Overcoming Financial Fights in Your Relationship
Part I
When we get married, we often think about the fairytale of living happily ever after. But some issues will come up in marriage, especially if you haven’t discussed them beforehand. Some couples believe things will work themselves out. Things will unfold how they need to financially. It is essential that we have in-depth conversations about money. It indeed can be hard to talk about money. Many couples avoid it altogether. We consider finances to be one of the pillars of a marital relationship. Many marriages that end in divorce are because of financial fights or disagreements. It’s important that couples get on the same page with expenses and financial goals. Learning to work together so they can create a future for themselves and their children. Breaking the silence about money can become our lifeline to the quality of life we really want. And if we’re not doing the things to make that quality of life happen, then it will be just a matter of time before they bump heads. We have to be able to talk to our spouse when tension is high, especially when money is low. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
“The Real Reason You’re Beefin’ In Your Relationship” Part II
As we shared in Part I, The Hailstorm is the pursuer in the relationship during arguments. Pushing the matter even if it’s not the right time or place. You might think the Hailstorm is the one that is problem. They tend to be “the loud ones” during a disagreement. It’s important to understand that neither disagreement style is better than the other. Even with The Elephant in the Room, the person tends to shut down during disagreements. When you get upset about something, you rarely know what matters to you. Your partner won’t fully understand what you actually need or grasp the extent of how important or hurt you are about a matter of shutting down continues. In many cases, you can go years of being upset about certain important things in the marriage without your partner knowing or understanding fully. In avoiding being misunderstood or the stress of conflict, you unintentionally set yourself up in a relationship where you grow distant daily. Appearing normal on the outside but slowly fading away from the marriage. The avoidance of conflict can destroy a relationship. Whether you are The Hailstorm or The Elephant in the Room, you both need the same thing! Take a time out when your blood is nearly boiling or you are becoming overwhelmed. Share that you need a moment to cool off respectfully and share when you would like to revisit the conversation. Breathe… do what you do that brings you calm. Listen to that good music. Take a walk. Watch something funny on TV. Whatever you would like to do. And then come back to it. Some might be concerned about doing this. What if they use this to avoid having a conversation altogether? Remember to take a minute and bring yourself back to the conversation when everyone is calm. As a couple, you should be attacking the problem and not each another. Let’s keep these marriages beautiful and healthy. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
“The Real Reason You’re Beefin’ In Your Relationship” Part I
What is it like for your significant other to disagree with you? It is hard to get anywhere? Is it hard to be on the same page? Here are some important tools or strategies for not just couples but also family members or friends. This information comes from the Imago body of Research and from what I’ve seen and shared with my clients. Usually, we show up as one of Two Disagreement Styles. Either as what we call the Elephant in the Room or the Hailstorm If you are the Elephant in the Room when things get heated and intense with your partner or family member, you have a tendency to get really overwhelmed. The disagreements feel too stressful and make it important to have time to cool down. During arguments, you tend to shut down. When you’ve had enough of the issue, you tend to stop talking and sometimes are accused of seeming to care no longer. You may be viewed as if you are ignoring your partner, but really, you’re overwhelmed and need a minute. When overwhelmed, some might say a joke and try to change the subject. While others may say something rude in order to shut down the whole conversation. When you end the conversation for relief, it is not usually done in a helpful way. Does this sound like you or your spouse? Remember, there is another argument type to consider, the Hailstorm. During disagreements or when your feelings are hurt, you need to resolve the issue right away. What is wrong with that? How could that be a problem, you might ask? The issue is that the pressure is too much and too intense. An example of this is if you are in a category of the hailstorm and you’re in your feelings: you might follow your partner around the room throughout the house. Or you might send them tons of text messages making sure your mate hears you and understands your concerns. You thoroughly review your concerns, even if it entails repeatedly going over the same issue. It simply can’t wait. But the issue is it might not be the right time to talk about it. Especially if your energy is so intense or your partner is overwhelmed. You may make your partner feel so small or cornered that they even feel the need to blow up to match your energy to help them protect their pride, agree with something uncomfortable, or abandon the conversation altogether. This can feel like a parent-child situation, and that’s not sexy at all to have that kind of relationship in a marriage. If you’re in this endless loop in your marriage, ask us about our amazing couples counseling services. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor .
3 Common Mistakes Married Couples Make
What He Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Him. Couples keep secrets from each other for a lot of reasons. Maybe out of fear of judgment, fear of not being able to make decisions without pushback, or even out of something missing in their relationship. Whatever the reason keeping secrets in your marriage leads to the possibility of broken trust. So, whether it’s secret social media accounts or messages, hidden money or accounts, secret lunches or phone calls with the opposite sex: trust can become easily broken. Once trust is broken, it is difficult to repair. As you, is that secret communication with your ex worth it? Secrets usually point to opportunities for you to get your needs or concerns taken seriously in the marriage. Instead of seeking attention, security, or excitement outside of your marriage. Make sure you are making your spouse aware of what you need to find fulfillment in your home. So Your Kids Are The Boss? We sacrifice so much for our children: sleep, money, time, and patience. One thing you do not want to sacrifice is your marriage. It may be a difficult balance at times but pay close attention to how your children may be putting a strain on your relationship. Some common ways parenting habits can become problematic to your marriage: Children sleeping in your bed instead of their own bed regularly. We understand that some families value co-sleeping and the safety protocol of having infants sleep in your room. It’s important to consider, after the toddler stage, whether this sleeping arrangement is impacting your sex life and evening quality time as a couple. It is problematic when parents aren’t on the same page, and the child becomes confused with the expectations or puts one parent against the other. It’s normal for couples to have different discipline styles for their children. Being different is okay, but children need structure and solid expectations to create good behavior habits. This requires parents to have conversations and create a joint plan apart from the children so that it minimizes confusion, conflict, and ongoing behavioral issues when they approach the children. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach
