Overcoming Dead-End Disagreements (Part II)
Is there such a thing as a good fight? A peaceful argument? A productive disagreement? The truth is…having disagreements is a normal part of being in a relationship. When couples go through major life events (like a new job, new baby, new home, etc.), studies show that it is normal for couples to argue more during the initial transitional period. Make sure you take a look at Part I for more tips on fighting fair. Couples going through these changes should keep the following tips in mind: You know what you don’t like, but do you also know what you need? Take time to think of these specifics and share each one. Your partner shouldn’t just know or have to guess. Give them the road map. 2. Be honest with yourself and your spouse. Share your concerns. Set yourself free. Share who you really are. What you really need. And what your real limitations are with certain things. In a marriage, you sometimes have to remind your spouse that you’re human, not perfect, and despite that still deserve love, respect, and acceptance. 3. Give your reasons. Attempt to help your partner understand you better. Give them a context of just how important the issue is to you. Sometimes spouses haven’t addressed your needs because they assumed it was a want and not an important need. 4. Admit when you’re wrong. A humble pie is the most important food you’ll eat in marriage. Own your ish. Show your partner you care about how your actions impacted them or hurt their feelings. 5. Make sure you understand each other’s position by repeating it back to them. Couples make a lot of assumptions about how they think their partner feels about certain issues. This misinformation can create problems that do not exist or waste efforts. It may feel awkward to do at first, but this can help prevent a lot of confusion in important conversations. Written By: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach .
Red Flags Most People Overlook in Relationships & What to do now? Part III
Ah oh! You’ve noticed significant red flags in your relationship, and you’re wondering what to do now?! (If you haven’t already, make sure you read Parts I & II of this blog post) Step 1: Be honest with yourself about what’s happening in your relationship. To avoid facing fear we sometimes make situations seem smaller than they are in real life. Assume that things will get better on their own over time. Or that if we pay attention to what’s happening it’ll only get worse. This is NOT the time to lean on these fear-based anecdotes. Be honest with yourself about what is happening, how often, how intense, and the impact it’s having. Step 2: We must face the future. Whatever we do not address, oftentimes gets worse over time (not better). If these red flags continue and worsen over time, what will the relationship be like in 5, 10, 20 years? Will there even be a relationship to salvage? What impact can this have on your mind, body, and spirit? Or your children’s? We must wake up and no longer be comfortable with a path that isn’t healthy. Step 3: Oftentimes, these concerns did not begin with you. And are learned behaviors from responses to family dynamics or tragic experiences. It is important to understand the cycle and to break it. If these behaviors aren’t addressed not only can they impact your relationship, but potentially your children’s future relationships also. Step 4: Know what you want. Oftentimes we are clear about what no longer works for us. What type of behaviors we don’t want to happen in our relationships? What’s sometimes challenging to envision is what we do want. What would be working towards creating? How would you know you’ve arrived at that place in your relationship without a clear vision? Step 5: Create a plan and get support to achieve it. Now that you’ve dared to be honest with yourself, realized what would happen if things don’t change, and facing the realities of what can be it’s time to get support. If it were easy enough to resolve it on your own, you would’ve already done it by now. You will want to connect with a relationship expert who is experienced, trained, and personable enough for you to feel comfortable opening up to. We recommend youconnect with a provider with proven results. We welcome you to connect with us at The UP Company. Written By: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach
Red Flags Most People Overlook in Relationships (Part II)
Are you being honest with yourself about the main issues in your relationship? Are they normal issues or matters that require immediate change and support? Be sure to review Part I and then take a look at additional red flags for relationships: Red Flags of Silence: Have there been major issues that have come up, but your partner refuses to discuss them? Maybe they view discussing concerns as being ungrateful or unnecessary. or those problems are resolved by acting as if nothing bad ever happened. When relationships have a culture of “we don’t talk about problems” it will unintentionally cause a breeding ground for resentment and neglect. This may be a reg flag for silence. Red Flags of Minimizing: Does your partner tend to make your concerns seem like they’re not a big deal? Are issues seen as something to be ignored or just move past without addressing them fully? This type of behavior can make you feel as if you should remain silent about concerns. This may be a red flag for minimizing. Red Flags of Incompletion: Do you or your partner have a hard time letting issues go? Do you often avoid conversations about issues? Are you often confused about why your partner is so upset? This may be a red flag of incompletion. Red Flags of Unreliability: Do you or your partner have a difficult time letting people in? Have you spent most of your life relying on yourself? Do you avoid asking your partner for help or saying what you need so that you won’t be disappointed or hurt? This may be a red flag of unreliability. Written By: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach
Red Flags Most People Overlook in Relationships (Part 1)
How do you know the difference between regular relationship challenges versus unhealthy relationship behaviors? Is it really easy to miss red flags or do we choose to overlook the obvious? We want eliminate doubt and confusion regarding your relationship. Learn about the common red flags that are overlooked in relationships and get support today. Red Flags of Control: Do you or your partner get into disagreements regarding how you should feel about situations? Or disagreements about the way you make decisions (as if they’reway is the ONLY way)!? Maybe you do your best to avoid an argument or blame because it’s so exhausting or even humiliating. When you do disagree or push back, do you feel as if you are “walking on eggshells?” Tip toeing to avoid drama? This may be a red flag for control in your relationship. Red Flags of Perfectionism: Do you wonder if you could ever, please your partner enough? Or do you get the feeling that no matter what you do, it will never be good enough? Thatthere’s always something more to do or not to do. Do you hear criticisms much more often than you hear complements? This may be a red flag for perfectionism. Red Flags of Blame: Does it seem like your partner just won’t apologize, even when it is clear they were wrong? Do they often push the blame on other factors or even switch theconversation to things that you do that make them upset? This lack of accountability is not only frustrating, but it can be confusing. You might share your concern and then end up beingaccused as the cause of what has hurt you. That they are the victim or the one needing the apology? This may be a red flag for blame. Red Flags of Denial: It’s difficult to trust someone if their actions don’t line up with what they say. You are often in a state of confusion or digging for evidence of a feeling you have that your partner isn’t being completely honest. This can be them not being honest about how they feel about situations or conflict. Or even how they feel about monogamy. This may indeed be a red flag for denial. Written By: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach
Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part III)
Tend to your body. Memories that stimulate intense emotions or fear from traumatic events can get trapped in our bodies. It is unexplainable moments of feeling tense, anxious, or defensive during non-threatening situations that may mean physically releasing the stress in our bodies is needed. Strategies like deep breathing, massage, and yoga release tension and stress. Therapy can help with unlearning unhealthy reactions to situations. 5. Drop the mask. Sometimes, what is happening today is triggered by hardships and other traumatic things that happened in the past, and it shows up in us, especially within our closest relationships. Let go of pretending to be okay. It will make you vulnerable, but that is how you ultimately become free. If you are so busy wearing a mask, you may never know the natural causes and solutions to your stress or unhappiness. Remaining guarded might make you feel like everyone is out to criticize, use you or betray you. Being protected may make you miss seeing that some unhealthy beliefs and choices are needed to address. The people that upset us the most have the potential to help us understand ourselves and grow more exponentially than most things. It could be a hidden gift, where you learn areas of your life where you need to address most. A great therapist can help you discover these areas and ways to become more at peace. 6. Learn your family history. There are issues that many families avoid discussing. Topics include financial struggles, mental health challenges, abuse, end of life, etc. Learning our family history can have a positive impact on MANY areas of our lives. For example, knowing which illnesses family members have had can become essential information so that we know how to prevent diseases and better care for ourselves. Sharing DNA frequently means sharing similar biochemistry. Knowing which medications worked well for other family members can be helpful. You may benefit from the same medication option if you have their illness. The same is valid for mental health. Sharing DNA can potentially mean sharing trauma for some. Epigenetic studies revealed that trauma could be stored in DNA and passed down. Knowing their history can explain so much and offer insight into unhealthy family behavioral patterns. The other part of knowing your roots is considering how your childhood might’ve impacted your current needs, stressors, and relationship choices. Consider not only DNA but what or who modeled to you. How did your parents deal with stress growing up? How did they deal with conflict? How did they express love? We’re there addictions? How did they show you they were proud of you? Were there too many rules or too few? Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part 1)
You’ll sleep when you’re dead. Team no sleep. You’ve heard these phrases before. The truth is, it’s only sustainable for a while. Our mind and body will eventually show the wear and tear from years of pushing beyond what is healthy. We can only wear a game face for so long before that mask begins to crack. You might get aches and pains and stress-related illnesses. Stress can also make being patient with loved ones difficult. There are some other costs that we may have yet to consider. Science shows us that someone who has endured highly stressful environments/situations for an extended period experiences brain changes. The part of the brain that produces emotions, fear,, and impulsiveness grows larger. What does that mean? It means we get used to our norm being feeling anxious and chaotic. And what does that do to the body over time? It weakens our body’s ability to fight disease over time. It doesn’t matter what the source of high stress is. It can be ongoing high stress from work, relationships, etc. These things impact your immune system. Stress increases your risk of getting sick. Have you stopped taking care of yourself and instead taking care of everyone else? Checking within to see how you feel and what you need is essential in lowering stress. If you sometimes think emotionally and can’t pinpoint why: There could be a huge disconnect,, and learning what you need is critical! Ask yourself often: “How am I feeling? What do I need right now?” These are preventative measures you can take today, to prevent prolonged stress from turning into something else. You may have endured very toxic situations for so long that your way to get through it, whether in childhood or more recently, is not to feel the stress from it. Emotional numbing is our brain’s way of keeping us safe from intense emotions when not in safe conditions. Examples are an inability to recall details from certain stressful life events or difficulty knowing your feelings. There are ways to can help you work through it. Know how your body responds when you’re at different levels of stress. We all react to our bodies when we’re stressed. Even if you tend to numb your emotions, you can still be observant about what your body does. (Ie: pace, face feeling hot, stomach discomfort, eye twitch, sweat, etc.). Learn what your body does at the low level of experiencing stress. Know what your body does at the middle level and intense level. The extreme level is more evident for most. Learning the reactions at low and moderate levels is essential to do things that will bring down your stress. Make it a habit to no longer wait until you’re under this intense pressure to try to calm down because it will be much more complicated. Working with a therapist can teach you various ways to reduce stress for a healthier life. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
5 Tips Every Entrepreneur Should Do To Save Your Marriage (Part I)
If your relationship is not the same way it used to be. It’s become like a roommate situation. We are here to help you get back to feeling like soulmates. 1. Have a plan for your stress. Running a business is stressful! There is always a problem to be solved; there are new questions, someone needing you, and something to learn all the time. And it’s easy to pull that stress home. This stress may at times, make you moody with having so much on your mind. You already have that level of stress on you trying to figure out problem-solving, training, new software, and learning how to market better. Then your sweetheart comes wanted to have a serious talk about your relationship. Think about the amount of patience you need for the relationship to work well. You’re not going to have enough patience unless you have great ways to deal with your stress. That is why the 1st relationship tip is to manage stress. Some of you will say: “I just push through; I do what I must do.” “I’ll be okay, or I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” That’s not a healthy plan for stress. Create a morning strategy. Think about what you can do in the mornings. Although, we can’t predict what will happen throughout the course of a day nor how much time we’ll have at night. The most predictable amount of time in a day is typically in the mornings. So, I want to challenge you right now to do at least one thing for yourself in the morning. It could be exercise-related (i.e., yoga, running, aerobics, walking). What are you doing to really rejuvenate in the morning? For many, upbeat music are a big motivator and mood booster. Other options aren’t limited to but include prayer, meditation, affirmations, aroma therapy, reading inspirational literature, or listening to inspirational youtube videos. What are you intentionally doing to feed your heart, mind, and spirit? To feed your body with the stamina and focus that you need to be an entrepreneur and with something left over for your spouse or partner. Create a stress plan. And if, by chance, attempts remain difficult: see somebody about it. There are plenty of therapists and plenty of wellness coaches that could help you create one. 2. Have a hard conversation I know what you might think: I’m NOT TRYING TO HAVE ANY EXTRA ARGUMENTS! Why would I want to be intentional about having hard conversations? I do mean some specific ones. You know what might be coming up in your business (i.e., when your schedule will be busier than normal, out-of-town meetings, etc.). You may be in the beginning stages of your business. It’s important to have a conversation about the sacrifice of time or finances that is coming. Discuss and plan for finances to be tight in the beginning. It is better to have those challenging conversations than to be on the other side of your partner feeling blindsided. (Ie. They had no idea that you were planning on dedicating these many hours during the day, and they have no idea that certain plans like vacations or new purchases need to be put on pause). Share in advance if you know you won’t be able to help with the mortgage that month. Grow the courage to talk about it even if you’re afraid. Be prepared to give suggestions of what you are willing to do because of those challenges. (Ie. Are you willing to go back to your full-time job after a certain time period? Or will you get a part-time job if there are financial challenges along the way? If you know it will take a lot of hours to get this thing to where it needs to be, have you dedicated a consistent time slot for each other in addition to those long work hours that you will do?) You want to show that not only are you committed to your business, but you are committed to your family. You are committed to your partner as well. The success of your business matters, but so does your partner’s needs too. And I know many people have this idea: “I am doing this for my family. I am doing this for the legacy, so they don’t have to ever struggle in the future.” “If they would just understand that and stand by me, we would be okay.” But here is the reality: no one wants to feel ignored, neglected, or taken for granted. Placed on a shelf. “I see you when I see you.” When your business is thriving and moving the way you wanted it to, they are gone. Either emotionally or physically. That is why we have candid, challenging conversations. Be open to hearing their suggestions. They also have suggestions that might make them feel better and a little more considered. 3. You must have a NO Work Zone. We all benefit from having limits and boundaries. Boundaries are for you AND your family. You cannot let your business take over your whole life. You must create boundaries to live without common regrets of times you can’t get back. But pertaining to your relationship. Say, in this block of time, there will be no business tasks. If you do not set these boundaries, you run the risk of always working or thinking about work. At the end of life, people often regret chasing money so hard that they didn’t get to enjoy quality time with those they love most. And what did we say before? If we don’t spend that quality time, they will leave either physically or emotionally. An example of knowing that you are creating a no-work zone is you are going to having a consistent date night. Something will always come up. Whether it’s a pandemic or no babysitter, your marriage needs a consistent date night to keep that spark. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Go to dinner, a park, or have a
Biggest challenge with couples’ finances: (Overcoming Financial Fights in Your Relationship Part II)
Communication is probably the biggest challenge for couples. Speaking to each other versus speaking with each other is completely different. A lot of times we’re speaking at each other and that comes off very aggressive as opposed to speaking with each other. So, communication is one of those things that’s very important not only regarding discussions but also coming to some form of an agreement. When there is a lack of communication there can also be a lack of trust. Trust is the key. Most people think that trust should just automatically happen.It comes through communication and consistency. We have to be aware of our non-verbal communication (body language/facial expressions) and verbal communication. It is very important that we talk things out. Get on the same page. Oftentimes, if you didn’t start on the right footing like pre-marital counseling or a financial planner you may wonder why you’re disagreeing and fighting. It’s simply because you have not sat down and actually, have a great, open, honest conversation about your viewpoint of money, your understanding of money and your history with money. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
“The Real Reason You’re Beefin’ In Your Relationship” Part II
As we shared in Part I, The Hailstorm is the pursuer in the relationship during arguments. Pushing the matter even if it’s not the right time or place. You might think the Hailstorm is the one that is problem. They tend to be “the loud ones” during a disagreement. It’s important to understand that neither disagreement style is better than the other. Even with The Elephant in the Room, the person tends to shut down during disagreements. When you get upset about something, you rarely know what matters to you. Your partner won’t fully understand what you actually need or grasp the extent of how important or hurt you are about a matter of shutting down continues. In many cases, you can go years of being upset about certain important things in the marriage without your partner knowing or understanding fully. In avoiding being misunderstood or the stress of conflict, you unintentionally set yourself up in a relationship where you grow distant daily. Appearing normal on the outside but slowly fading away from the marriage. The avoidance of conflict can destroy a relationship. Whether you are The Hailstorm or The Elephant in the Room, you both need the same thing! Take a time out when your blood is nearly boiling or you are becoming overwhelmed. Share that you need a moment to cool off respectfully and share when you would like to revisit the conversation. Breathe… do what you do that brings you calm. Listen to that good music. Take a walk. Watch something funny on TV. Whatever you would like to do. And then come back to it. Some might be concerned about doing this. What if they use this to avoid having a conversation altogether? Remember to take a minute and bring yourself back to the conversation when everyone is calm. As a couple, you should be attacking the problem and not each another. Let’s keep these marriages beautiful and healthy. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
3 Common Mistakes Married Couples Make (Part II)
Married Life or Life Sentence? After so many years of marriage, many couples feel more like coworkers than lovers. With countless “meetings” about chores, finances, parenting, and schedules, marriage can begin to feel more like a job than a relationship. What happened to having fun together, dating, and traveling? Did it become sleepy sex, ships crossing paths at night, and kid-centered activities? It’s important not to get distracted by the never-ending list of responsibilities that come with adulting and get back to making intimacy, friendship, and quality time a priority. I know what you may be thinking…we don’t have time because of work or the kids. But when those kids leave the house, what will you have left? When you finally achieve all of your career goals, will you leave the house? What will you have left? When you finally achieve all of your career goals, will it be as satisfying if you had to lose your family in order to do it? Make time. My Way or The Highway! Ever feel like you have to follow behind your spouse with chores, paying bills, cooking, and keeping up with the kids’ school assignments and activities out of fear they will drop the ball? Or maybe you feel like you walk on eggshells because your spouse is a perfectionist who sees no way to do it if it’s not their way! This is a parent-child type of relationship. A parent-child relationship is where one spouse behaves like a critical parent who is tired of the burden of being the responsible one. The other spouse may feel tired of feeling like no matter how hard they try; they can never do anything good enough for their spouse. Nothing kills the mood more than feeling like you’re in a relationship with a parent or child. It’s important to communicate respectfully and patiently and devise compromises that capture each spouse’s concerns. Get support if you cannot resolve this on your own. Situations involving intimidation, belittling, accusations, and control may be tied to a deeper issue related to abuse, which is not resolved in couples counseling but through batterer intervention programs. Uncomfortable Conversations Over Resentment! I’d like to have an argument today with my spouse…said no one ever! Let’s face it; sometimes, it feels better to avoid issues than to face them. Conflict, for most people, isn’t fun. This often leads to avoiding discussing important issues, feelings, or needs. I know what you’re thinking. You’re preserving your peace! The silent treatment can do just as much or more damage to a relationship than arguing. Because when issues remain unaddressed and unresolved, they often fester and become a growing resentment. Over time, resentment can be extremely difficult to recover from in a marriage. The emotional distance, negative assumptions of what their spouse may feel, and feelings of emotional neglect over long periods of time (is not impossible, but is difficult to repair) Seek out Support. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach
