Don’t Let Your Business Ruin Your Relationship!
By: Natasha Oates Award-Winning Therapist, Keynote Speaker & Retreat Host A few years ago, I vowed that I would never say, “I built an amazing business empire and all it took was the end of my marriage.” Let’s face it; the odds are against marriages. We all know that divorce is happening on every street. But the question is, what are you willing to do not to let it come to your front door? I challenge you to work and think more intentionally as a married business owner. Here are 5 Tips for Married Entrepreneurs: Owning a business means accepting that some of your days will be filled with high levels of stress! Balled up in a corner, worried about the outcome of your latest investment/venture type of stress. When we have high levels of stress: blood rushes from the part of the brain that thinks logically to the part of the brain that is impulsive and emotional. This leads us to Rule #1. Rule #1: Have a weekly routine to relieve stress. Sound too simple? It’s so easy to get overwhelmed and to become a moody ticking time bomb or a distant grouchy spouse when you have so much on your plate from multiple directions. You can end up overreacting and taking out frustrations on your spouse. Instead take them out on the treadmill, a yoga pose, or a card game with the fellas. Ever heard that marriage is all about good communication? Yeah, me too. Considering the complexities of owning a business, the risk/expenses, the countless hours, and yeah sometimes even the lack of profit: communication is extremely important! Which leads us to Rule #2. Rule #2: Have honest conversations about how the needs of the business will affect the family Now, this is where many entrepreneurs would much rather bury their heads in the sand than discuss this. If these discussions are avoided, then they will likely come up explosively at a time when you’re not prepared or ready to discuss. Let’s face it, when you’re sharing household expenses, financially planning for your children’s college, and both of your retirement, these types of discussions are important to have. Let alone when you have pressing business concerns that need more of your time than usual. Be upfront about the time frame that’s needed for you to complete tasks for the business. FYI Rule #2 won’t work without following this next one on boundaries. Any person with healthy self-esteem will NOT continuously be put on a shelf without eventually emotionally or physically choosing divorce. Rule #3: Have a no-work zone You didn’t become a business owner to neglect your kids and piss off the Love of Your Life. It’s important to carve out time for your children and spouse ahead of time. Don’t let date night die. Find out how often your spouse wants a date night and make it happen! Team no excuses. The business takes up a lot of your time and energy. The last thing you should do is constantly talk about the business with your spouse. Remember Rule #4 during date night too: Rule #4: Know when to zip your lip You are passionate about what you do. So passionate that you’re constantly thinking, strategizing, and maybe even constantly talking about your business too. Keep in mind that your family goes through sacrifices too when you’re working on your business. It may be upsetting not only to have to have less time with you because of the business, but also the time that they do have you’re STILL talking about the business! That’s what business besties are for. We get comfortable after being married for a long time. Too comfortable. Especially when time and energy is often limited. Here’s the last tip: Rule #5: Do the things you used to do That’s right! Those things that put a smile on your Honey’s face. How are you dressing and keeping your hair? What do you do to make them feel appreciated and loved? Think of them as a customer. Have you delighted them? As business owners, we know that it’s much easier to keep a current loyal customer than to attract a new loyal one. So set the goal to have an amazing marriage and like your business goals hit a home run. Remember your spouse is going through challenges too and they more than deserve the extra effort. Let’s get connected! Reserve your spot NOW for The Love That Lasts Fall 2022 Retreat in Durham, NC for a weekend of fun couples activities, life-changing seminars, and a moving recommitment ceremony. For online or in-office relationship coaching reserve your session with relationship expert Natasha Oates. Hire Natasha for your group’s retreat event by emailing: natasha@upcompany.org or calling or texting 980-285-3833.
Red Flags Most People Overlook in Relationships & What to do now? Part III
Ah oh! You’ve noticed significant red flags in your relationship, and you’re wondering what to do now?! (If you haven’t already, make sure you read Parts I & II of this blog post) Step 1: Be honest with yourself about what’s happening in your relationship. To avoid facing fear we sometimes make situations seem smaller than they are in real life. Assume that things will get better on their own over time. Or that if we pay attention to what’s happening it’ll only get worse. This is NOT the time to lean on these fear-based anecdotes. Be honest with yourself about what is happening, how often, how intense, and the impact it’s having. Step 2: We must face the future. Whatever we do not address, oftentimes gets worse over time (not better). If these red flags continue and worsen over time, what will the relationship be like in 5, 10, 20 years? Will there even be a relationship to salvage? What impact can this have on your mind, body, and spirit? Or your children’s? We must wake up and no longer be comfortable with a path that isn’t healthy. Step 3: Oftentimes, these concerns did not begin with you. And are learned behaviors from responses to family dynamics or tragic experiences. It is important to understand the cycle and to break it. If these behaviors aren’t addressed not only can they impact your relationship, but potentially your children’s future relationships also. Step 4: Know what you want. Oftentimes we are clear about what no longer works for us. What type of behaviors we don’t want to happen in our relationships? What’s sometimes challenging to envision is what we do want. What would be working towards creating? How would you know you’ve arrived at that place in your relationship without a clear vision? Step 5: Create a plan and get support to achieve it. Now that you’ve dared to be honest with yourself, realized what would happen if things don’t change, and facing the realities of what can be it’s time to get support. If it were easy enough to resolve it on your own, you would’ve already done it by now. You will want to connect with a relationship expert who is experienced, trained, and personable enough for you to feel comfortable opening up to. We recommend youconnect with a provider with proven results. We welcome you to connect with us at The UP Company. Written By: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach
Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part IV)
A lot of women’s stress comes from relationships. What did your parents teach you about relationships? What did they model for you? All of this stuff is within us, and it shows up somehow. As adults, we get to decide to “eat the meat and leave the bones.” 7. Break the cycle: These are certain cycles (some call generational curses) of certain behaviors you see in families generation after generation. Sometimes it doesn’t show up the same way and can have a different effect depending on the person. For example, when you’ve had a traumatic experience, you might work so hard to not be like your parent. Focusing on being the exact opposite. For example, when a person is in a controlling environment, they might say I’m never going to let anybody control me. In their relationships, they might show up being the controlling person. Or, out of the intense fear you experienced as a young person in a household filled with raging arguments, as an adult, you might shy away from disagreements or disappointing others because your body subconsciously remembers the fear and helplessness during the conflict. These are natural responses to experiencing trauma and can be overcome through therapy. 8. Use your voice: Address the internal issues you may be experiencing unconsciously. Over-responding to similar situations or under-responding is a typical trauma response reaction. When we haven’t healed that area, we put our defenses up. The challenge is that when I put up this emotional wall, I am protected, but unfortunately, support and love can’t come in. Help can’t come in, and love can’t come in. The things I really want can’t come in. So, there’s a cost to holding up this wall. Many of us are probably struggling with not asking for what we need, not asking for support, and maybe being the person who always helps others and gives to others. ] We need to give ourselves permission to grow and be happy, even if it’s scary to get started. With all you’ve been through, you deserve to give that gift to yourself. Consider therapy today. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor.
Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part III)
Tend to your body. Memories that stimulate intense emotions or fear from traumatic events can get trapped in our bodies. It is unexplainable moments of feeling tense, anxious, or defensive during non-threatening situations that may mean physically releasing the stress in our bodies is needed. Strategies like deep breathing, massage, and yoga release tension and stress. Therapy can help with unlearning unhealthy reactions to situations. 5. Drop the mask. Sometimes, what is happening today is triggered by hardships and other traumatic things that happened in the past, and it shows up in us, especially within our closest relationships. Let go of pretending to be okay. It will make you vulnerable, but that is how you ultimately become free. If you are so busy wearing a mask, you may never know the natural causes and solutions to your stress or unhappiness. Remaining guarded might make you feel like everyone is out to criticize, use you or betray you. Being protected may make you miss seeing that some unhealthy beliefs and choices are needed to address. The people that upset us the most have the potential to help us understand ourselves and grow more exponentially than most things. It could be a hidden gift, where you learn areas of your life where you need to address most. A great therapist can help you discover these areas and ways to become more at peace. 6. Learn your family history. There are issues that many families avoid discussing. Topics include financial struggles, mental health challenges, abuse, end of life, etc. Learning our family history can have a positive impact on MANY areas of our lives. For example, knowing which illnesses family members have had can become essential information so that we know how to prevent diseases and better care for ourselves. Sharing DNA frequently means sharing similar biochemistry. Knowing which medications worked well for other family members can be helpful. You may benefit from the same medication option if you have their illness. The same is valid for mental health. Sharing DNA can potentially mean sharing trauma for some. Epigenetic studies revealed that trauma could be stored in DNA and passed down. Knowing their history can explain so much and offer insight into unhealthy family behavioral patterns. The other part of knowing your roots is considering how your childhood might’ve impacted your current needs, stressors, and relationship choices. Consider not only DNA but what or who modeled to you. How did your parents deal with stress growing up? How did they deal with conflict? How did they express love? We’re there addictions? How did they show you they were proud of you? Were there too many rules or too few? Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part 1)
You’ll sleep when you’re dead. Team no sleep. You’ve heard these phrases before. The truth is, it’s only sustainable for a while. Our mind and body will eventually show the wear and tear from years of pushing beyond what is healthy. We can only wear a game face for so long before that mask begins to crack. You might get aches and pains and stress-related illnesses. Stress can also make being patient with loved ones difficult. There are some other costs that we may have yet to consider. Science shows us that someone who has endured highly stressful environments/situations for an extended period experiences brain changes. The part of the brain that produces emotions, fear,, and impulsiveness grows larger. What does that mean? It means we get used to our norm being feeling anxious and chaotic. And what does that do to the body over time? It weakens our body’s ability to fight disease over time. It doesn’t matter what the source of high stress is. It can be ongoing high stress from work, relationships, etc. These things impact your immune system. Stress increases your risk of getting sick. Have you stopped taking care of yourself and instead taking care of everyone else? Checking within to see how you feel and what you need is essential in lowering stress. If you sometimes think emotionally and can’t pinpoint why: There could be a huge disconnect,, and learning what you need is critical! Ask yourself often: “How am I feeling? What do I need right now?” These are preventative measures you can take today, to prevent prolonged stress from turning into something else. You may have endured very toxic situations for so long that your way to get through it, whether in childhood or more recently, is not to feel the stress from it. Emotional numbing is our brain’s way of keeping us safe from intense emotions when not in safe conditions. Examples are an inability to recall details from certain stressful life events or difficulty knowing your feelings. There are ways to can help you work through it. Know how your body responds when you’re at different levels of stress. We all react to our bodies when we’re stressed. Even if you tend to numb your emotions, you can still be observant about what your body does. (Ie: pace, face feeling hot, stomach discomfort, eye twitch, sweat, etc.). Learn what your body does at the low level of experiencing stress. Know what your body does at the middle level and intense level. The extreme level is more evident for most. Learning the reactions at low and moderate levels is essential to do things that will bring down your stress. Make it a habit to no longer wait until you’re under this intense pressure to try to calm down because it will be much more complicated. Working with a therapist can teach you various ways to reduce stress for a healthier life. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
5 Tips Every Entrepreneur Should Do To Save Your Marriage (Part I)
If your relationship is not the same way it used to be. It’s become like a roommate situation. We are here to help you get back to feeling like soulmates. 1. Have a plan for your stress. Running a business is stressful! There is always a problem to be solved; there are new questions, someone needing you, and something to learn all the time. And it’s easy to pull that stress home. This stress may at times, make you moody with having so much on your mind. You already have that level of stress on you trying to figure out problem-solving, training, new software, and learning how to market better. Then your sweetheart comes wanted to have a serious talk about your relationship. Think about the amount of patience you need for the relationship to work well. You’re not going to have enough patience unless you have great ways to deal with your stress. That is why the 1st relationship tip is to manage stress. Some of you will say: “I just push through; I do what I must do.” “I’ll be okay, or I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” That’s not a healthy plan for stress. Create a morning strategy. Think about what you can do in the mornings. Although, we can’t predict what will happen throughout the course of a day nor how much time we’ll have at night. The most predictable amount of time in a day is typically in the mornings. So, I want to challenge you right now to do at least one thing for yourself in the morning. It could be exercise-related (i.e., yoga, running, aerobics, walking). What are you doing to really rejuvenate in the morning? For many, upbeat music are a big motivator and mood booster. Other options aren’t limited to but include prayer, meditation, affirmations, aroma therapy, reading inspirational literature, or listening to inspirational youtube videos. What are you intentionally doing to feed your heart, mind, and spirit? To feed your body with the stamina and focus that you need to be an entrepreneur and with something left over for your spouse or partner. Create a stress plan. And if, by chance, attempts remain difficult: see somebody about it. There are plenty of therapists and plenty of wellness coaches that could help you create one. 2. Have a hard conversation I know what you might think: I’m NOT TRYING TO HAVE ANY EXTRA ARGUMENTS! Why would I want to be intentional about having hard conversations? I do mean some specific ones. You know what might be coming up in your business (i.e., when your schedule will be busier than normal, out-of-town meetings, etc.). You may be in the beginning stages of your business. It’s important to have a conversation about the sacrifice of time or finances that is coming. Discuss and plan for finances to be tight in the beginning. It is better to have those challenging conversations than to be on the other side of your partner feeling blindsided. (Ie. They had no idea that you were planning on dedicating these many hours during the day, and they have no idea that certain plans like vacations or new purchases need to be put on pause). Share in advance if you know you won’t be able to help with the mortgage that month. Grow the courage to talk about it even if you’re afraid. Be prepared to give suggestions of what you are willing to do because of those challenges. (Ie. Are you willing to go back to your full-time job after a certain time period? Or will you get a part-time job if there are financial challenges along the way? If you know it will take a lot of hours to get this thing to where it needs to be, have you dedicated a consistent time slot for each other in addition to those long work hours that you will do?) You want to show that not only are you committed to your business, but you are committed to your family. You are committed to your partner as well. The success of your business matters, but so does your partner’s needs too. And I know many people have this idea: “I am doing this for my family. I am doing this for the legacy, so they don’t have to ever struggle in the future.” “If they would just understand that and stand by me, we would be okay.” But here is the reality: no one wants to feel ignored, neglected, or taken for granted. Placed on a shelf. “I see you when I see you.” When your business is thriving and moving the way you wanted it to, they are gone. Either emotionally or physically. That is why we have candid, challenging conversations. Be open to hearing their suggestions. They also have suggestions that might make them feel better and a little more considered. 3. You must have a NO Work Zone. We all benefit from having limits and boundaries. Boundaries are for you AND your family. You cannot let your business take over your whole life. You must create boundaries to live without common regrets of times you can’t get back. But pertaining to your relationship. Say, in this block of time, there will be no business tasks. If you do not set these boundaries, you run the risk of always working or thinking about work. At the end of life, people often regret chasing money so hard that they didn’t get to enjoy quality time with those they love most. And what did we say before? If we don’t spend that quality time, they will leave either physically or emotionally. An example of knowing that you are creating a no-work zone is you are going to having a consistent date night. Something will always come up. Whether it’s a pandemic or no babysitter, your marriage needs a consistent date night to keep that spark. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Go to dinner, a park, or have a
What Should Couples Discuss About Finances: Overcoming Financial Fights in Your Relationship Part 4
Couples should be looking at or discussing finances. Let’s get more specific: Create a Budget or spending plan. If you have a budget or spending plan. You should be reviewing that regularly. Line item by line item. Decide what expenses or goals need to be cut. What needs to be reduced? In looking at your budget, what needs to be changed, what needs to be fixed, and what needs to be removed? Consider reducing overall spending (If you don’t need it, don’t buy it right now). Assess whether it’s a need VS a want. If you do not have emergency savings, consider limiting your wants. Increase your cash reserve for a savings account. What a great time now to establish an emergency fund to be used only for emergency reasons. Also, Assess your life insurance policy for added protections for your family. We are going to pump money into our priorities rather than our wants. Take action, and be practical when it comes to your finances. Find creative ways to reduce expenses, and you’d be surprised with how much money you can save and use for something else. There are a number of budgeting tools, like budget worksheets. It is a great feeling to see where your money is going. Oftentimes, we are in a relationship with someone with a different spending habit or viewpoint than we do. One maybe freer spirited and more of an abundance thinker, and the other one maybe more conservative and more into planning and saving. You both coming together can be a great balance as long as you’re communicating and you’re valuing each other’s perspectives. Talking about your finances, really working as a team helps with the quality of your life. And I’m a firm believer in creating generational wealth. Who Makes the final decision with finances? The first action is you must come together and discuss the situation or the circumstances. Whatever it is, put everything out on the table. If you’re telling the story, nor the person having to listen, make sure you both understand the financial situation. Then, you come up with some solution, so both parties are involved. You come up with something that you can do. You may have a little bit more knowledge in one area vs. your spouse, but you’re both putting the problem on the table, and you’re coming up with solutions on the table. Then you want to come to an agreement on what you are going to do. Regardless of where this suggestion came from. You both have to come to an agreement. There shouldn’t just be one person who has knowledge about what’s going on in your finances as a family. Regardless, if you have someone who has more of a leadership role. No one should be blind, and everyone’s voice should still count; you are coming together as one and as a team. Create an environment where you can come up with compromises. Accepting that you both have different views versus proving who’s right and who’s wrong. Working together makes life so much easier. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
What Should Couples Discuss About Finances (Overcoming Financial Fights in Your Relationship Part III)
There are a lot of different questions that we should be asking ourselves, especially those that are in a relationship or looking to be married one day. By addressing certain questions regarding our finances: We can get on the same page to understand why we spend. Why are we so conservative? Why are we so restrictive or private with our finances? Why are we in debt? Why do we have bad credit? Discuss these things and put them out on the table. And once we begin to communicate and put together a plan, we agree on which action to take. That resolves a whole lot of arguments right there. Become open and honest about it. We no longer hide those financial decisions or habits that we are not proud of. Marriage is about being honest, open, and revealing. Communication and consistency help build trust. And little communication can also mean secrets. Maybe, when you were dating, you didn’t share that you had these bill balances floating around, and you now know all of these different things going on, and maybe it’s really difficult to talk about it. An article a few years ago stated that 20 to 30% of couples actually hide accounts from their spouse. When we hide things from our spouse, we are damaging trust. Some hide their poor financial decisions out of embarrassment. In marriage, it’s important to share what you don’t understand and, when possible, learn it together or have one teach the other. It’s okay to have made mistakes; just be sure not to run from them. When a spouse opens up, learn to respond with compassion so that they will continue to open up and work as a team. It’s not enough to discuss finances a few times per year. Consider meeting together at least once or twice a month to discuss income and expenses. Come together to see how much money you’ve spent, comparing spending, saving, and investment trends from months before and whether you’re meeting your couples’ financial goals. Sit down and see how much money you do have. Sit down and see what bills are coming in and what needs to be paid. Both of you should know what’s happening financially. Oftentimes, we tend to make money decisions out of emotions. We should be creating a home of security and safety. If your spouse feels safe and secure, She/He has no problem telling meany issues that they may face or any concerns or mistakes that she’s made. They have a safe place with us. We do not judge them for money issues, concerns, or mistakes. Learn to listen. So, when those things come up, we have a place that makes it easier to talk about any financial issues or concerns that you may have. If your finances are causing you extreme stress. Pause… Take a breath. Take a step back. Assess all of what’s happening, especially the positives. Maybe there is still food on the table. You are still in your home. We can overlook these positives and just worry about the future that hasn’t even happened yet. You may have to let it out through tears.But always remember to move forward and have each other’s back. Could you lean all the way back and let your partner catch you? Do you trust them to that extent Friction, low moments like this can be a time where you either turn on each other Or you turn to each other? Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
Biggest challenge with couples’ finances: (Overcoming Financial Fights in Your Relationship Part II)
Communication is probably the biggest challenge for couples. Speaking to each other versus speaking with each other is completely different. A lot of times we’re speaking at each other and that comes off very aggressive as opposed to speaking with each other. So, communication is one of those things that’s very important not only regarding discussions but also coming to some form of an agreement. When there is a lack of communication there can also be a lack of trust. Trust is the key. Most people think that trust should just automatically happen.It comes through communication and consistency. We have to be aware of our non-verbal communication (body language/facial expressions) and verbal communication. It is very important that we talk things out. Get on the same page. Oftentimes, if you didn’t start on the right footing like pre-marital counseling or a financial planner you may wonder why you’re disagreeing and fighting. It’s simply because you have not sat down and actually, have a great, open, honest conversation about your viewpoint of money, your understanding of money and your history with money. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
“The Real Reason You’re Beefin’ In Your Relationship” Part II
As we shared in Part I, The Hailstorm is the pursuer in the relationship during arguments. Pushing the matter even if it’s not the right time or place. You might think the Hailstorm is the one that is problem. They tend to be “the loud ones” during a disagreement. It’s important to understand that neither disagreement style is better than the other. Even with The Elephant in the Room, the person tends to shut down during disagreements. When you get upset about something, you rarely know what matters to you. Your partner won’t fully understand what you actually need or grasp the extent of how important or hurt you are about a matter of shutting down continues. In many cases, you can go years of being upset about certain important things in the marriage without your partner knowing or understanding fully. In avoiding being misunderstood or the stress of conflict, you unintentionally set yourself up in a relationship where you grow distant daily. Appearing normal on the outside but slowly fading away from the marriage. The avoidance of conflict can destroy a relationship. Whether you are The Hailstorm or The Elephant in the Room, you both need the same thing! Take a time out when your blood is nearly boiling or you are becoming overwhelmed. Share that you need a moment to cool off respectfully and share when you would like to revisit the conversation. Breathe… do what you do that brings you calm. Listen to that good music. Take a walk. Watch something funny on TV. Whatever you would like to do. And then come back to it. Some might be concerned about doing this. What if they use this to avoid having a conversation altogether? Remember to take a minute and bring yourself back to the conversation when everyone is calm. As a couple, you should be attacking the problem and not each another. Let’s keep these marriages beautiful and healthy. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
