Netflix’s Queen Charlotte & Mental Health Part III
Dark Past There were a lot of steamy scenes in this series, but what made me clutch my pearls was the terrible scenes of torture that they disguised as medicine for the King’s mental illness. It was so heartbreaking; it made me look away. It is so important that we talk about the dark areas of the past so that we can move forward in the future. In mental health and medicine, there have been dark pasts and abusive histories. The series highlighted a so-called doctor who was torturing George with his mental experiments. He seemed to enjoy his abuse of power in the series. And not only was it abusive, not only was it torture: it wasn’t even working. It wasn’t effective. It was heart-wrenching to see the scenes and to know, yes… there was a history of torture in the name of science in many fields, and mental health is not exempt. The series revealed the deep-rooted histories that have created today’s stigma regarding mental health treatment. The series also revealed a human side to mental illness. The King was good-looking, articulate, smart, caring, and had a great sense of humor. His diverse interests were intriguing and admirable. It wasn’t enough to prevent him from developing a mental illness. And that’s important for us to grapple with because we put in our minds these images of what people are supposed to look like, be like, or what their financial status likely is. If they have a mental illness and have important positions or are well-known, they don’t want to risk being demoted. “If this gets out about me…” Or they don’t want to be a burden to their friends and family, that they’re usually the go-to person, and now that they need help. They don’t know what to do because it feels counterintuitive to be the one that needs to receive help. May was Mental Health Month, and it struck me that the stigmas in the show are still around. Stigmas are beliefs that keep people from acknowledging there’s a problem and keeps people from seeking support. We have privileges today. We have evidence-based, ethical, and culturally relevant treatment options in therapy now. Suppose you know someone who needs support, or If you need support, go ahead. We are privileged, and we want to not take that for granted. Photo Credit: By IMP Awards, Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=73381663 Written By: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach
Netflix’s Queen Charlotte & Mental Health Part II
The Burden of Mental Illness In this series, the main character, King George, truly lived a double life. He did the best he could to conceal his mental illness. Many who experience mental illness fear being a burden to their friends and families. It’s really common for people to start to isolate themselves. To withdraw. They stop coming around. They may stay to themselves. They may stop calling, picking up the phone, or not texting you back when you’re going through a mental health crisis. It can be an exhausting experience. Getting to a space where you can no longer push through and pretend to be okay. I’m so glad that the series highlighted that a big reason the characters were keeping George’s mental health a secret was because of his status. They were concerned about the king, putting his royal role in Jeopardy, and that’s very similar to what is happening today. Whereas a lot of people will not pursue getting help. Even though they know they haven’t been themselves for a while, they will not pursue getting help because they have an important role. Or They are too well-known or have a prestigious job. They are worried about what will happen if this leak out. You can have the highest office roles in government, corporations, etc., and still struggle with mental illness. Just as it impacts everyone in every role, we all now can overcome these challenges privately but in a way not only thrive at work but at home too. Taking care of your mental health is not a sign of weakness but great strength. Just like we go to the doctor to check our heart health, we now know it is okay also to check our brain health. I was appreciative that they’ve shown these different layers of mental health stigma. Photo Credit: By IMP Awards, Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=73381663 Written By: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach
Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part IV)
A lot of women’s stress comes from relationships. What did your parents teach you about relationships? What did they model for you? All of this stuff is within us, and it shows up somehow. As adults, we get to decide to “eat the meat and leave the bones.” 7. Break the cycle: These are certain cycles (some call generational curses) of certain behaviors you see in families generation after generation. Sometimes it doesn’t show up the same way and can have a different effect depending on the person. For example, when you’ve had a traumatic experience, you might work so hard to not be like your parent. Focusing on being the exact opposite. For example, when a person is in a controlling environment, they might say I’m never going to let anybody control me. In their relationships, they might show up being the controlling person. Or, out of the intense fear you experienced as a young person in a household filled with raging arguments, as an adult, you might shy away from disagreements or disappointing others because your body subconsciously remembers the fear and helplessness during the conflict. These are natural responses to experiencing trauma and can be overcome through therapy. 8. Use your voice: Address the internal issues you may be experiencing unconsciously. Over-responding to similar situations or under-responding is a typical trauma response reaction. When we haven’t healed that area, we put our defenses up. The challenge is that when I put up this emotional wall, I am protected, but unfortunately, support and love can’t come in. Help can’t come in, and love can’t come in. The things I really want can’t come in. So, there’s a cost to holding up this wall. Many of us are probably struggling with not asking for what we need, not asking for support, and maybe being the person who always helps others and gives to others. ] We need to give ourselves permission to grow and be happy, even if it’s scary to get started. With all you’ve been through, you deserve to give that gift to yourself. Consider therapy today. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor.
Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part III)
Tend to your body. Memories that stimulate intense emotions or fear from traumatic events can get trapped in our bodies. It is unexplainable moments of feeling tense, anxious, or defensive during non-threatening situations that may mean physically releasing the stress in our bodies is needed. Strategies like deep breathing, massage, and yoga release tension and stress. Therapy can help with unlearning unhealthy reactions to situations. 5. Drop the mask. Sometimes, what is happening today is triggered by hardships and other traumatic things that happened in the past, and it shows up in us, especially within our closest relationships. Let go of pretending to be okay. It will make you vulnerable, but that is how you ultimately become free. If you are so busy wearing a mask, you may never know the natural causes and solutions to your stress or unhappiness. Remaining guarded might make you feel like everyone is out to criticize, use you or betray you. Being protected may make you miss seeing that some unhealthy beliefs and choices are needed to address. The people that upset us the most have the potential to help us understand ourselves and grow more exponentially than most things. It could be a hidden gift, where you learn areas of your life where you need to address most. A great therapist can help you discover these areas and ways to become more at peace. 6. Learn your family history. There are issues that many families avoid discussing. Topics include financial struggles, mental health challenges, abuse, end of life, etc. Learning our family history can have a positive impact on MANY areas of our lives. For example, knowing which illnesses family members have had can become essential information so that we know how to prevent diseases and better care for ourselves. Sharing DNA frequently means sharing similar biochemistry. Knowing which medications worked well for other family members can be helpful. You may benefit from the same medication option if you have their illness. The same is valid for mental health. Sharing DNA can potentially mean sharing trauma for some. Epigenetic studies revealed that trauma could be stored in DNA and passed down. Knowing their history can explain so much and offer insight into unhealthy family behavioral patterns. The other part of knowing your roots is considering how your childhood might’ve impacted your current needs, stressors, and relationship choices. Consider not only DNA but what or who modeled to you. How did your parents deal with stress growing up? How did they deal with conflict? How did they express love? We’re there addictions? How did they show you they were proud of you? Were there too many rules or too few? Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part 1)
You’ll sleep when you’re dead. Team no sleep. You’ve heard these phrases before. The truth is, it’s only sustainable for a while. Our mind and body will eventually show the wear and tear from years of pushing beyond what is healthy. We can only wear a game face for so long before that mask begins to crack. You might get aches and pains and stress-related illnesses. Stress can also make being patient with loved ones difficult. There are some other costs that we may have yet to consider. Science shows us that someone who has endured highly stressful environments/situations for an extended period experiences brain changes. The part of the brain that produces emotions, fear,, and impulsiveness grows larger. What does that mean? It means we get used to our norm being feeling anxious and chaotic. And what does that do to the body over time? It weakens our body’s ability to fight disease over time. It doesn’t matter what the source of high stress is. It can be ongoing high stress from work, relationships, etc. These things impact your immune system. Stress increases your risk of getting sick. Have you stopped taking care of yourself and instead taking care of everyone else? Checking within to see how you feel and what you need is essential in lowering stress. If you sometimes think emotionally and can’t pinpoint why: There could be a huge disconnect,, and learning what you need is critical! Ask yourself often: “How am I feeling? What do I need right now?” These are preventative measures you can take today, to prevent prolonged stress from turning into something else. You may have endured very toxic situations for so long that your way to get through it, whether in childhood or more recently, is not to feel the stress from it. Emotional numbing is our brain’s way of keeping us safe from intense emotions when not in safe conditions. Examples are an inability to recall details from certain stressful life events or difficulty knowing your feelings. There are ways to can help you work through it. Know how your body responds when you’re at different levels of stress. We all react to our bodies when we’re stressed. Even if you tend to numb your emotions, you can still be observant about what your body does. (Ie: pace, face feeling hot, stomach discomfort, eye twitch, sweat, etc.). Learn what your body does at the low level of experiencing stress. Know what your body does at the middle level and intense level. The extreme level is more evident for most. Learning the reactions at low and moderate levels is essential to do things that will bring down your stress. Make it a habit to no longer wait until you’re under this intense pressure to try to calm down because it will be much more complicated. Working with a therapist can teach you various ways to reduce stress for a healthier life. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
5 Tips Every Entrepreneur Should Do To Save Your Marriage (Part I)
If your relationship is not the same way it used to be. It’s become like a roommate situation. We are here to help you get back to feeling like soulmates. 1. Have a plan for your stress. Running a business is stressful! There is always a problem to be solved; there are new questions, someone needing you, and something to learn all the time. And it’s easy to pull that stress home. This stress may at times, make you moody with having so much on your mind. You already have that level of stress on you trying to figure out problem-solving, training, new software, and learning how to market better. Then your sweetheart comes wanted to have a serious talk about your relationship. Think about the amount of patience you need for the relationship to work well. You’re not going to have enough patience unless you have great ways to deal with your stress. That is why the 1st relationship tip is to manage stress. Some of you will say: “I just push through; I do what I must do.” “I’ll be okay, or I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” That’s not a healthy plan for stress. Create a morning strategy. Think about what you can do in the mornings. Although, we can’t predict what will happen throughout the course of a day nor how much time we’ll have at night. The most predictable amount of time in a day is typically in the mornings. So, I want to challenge you right now to do at least one thing for yourself in the morning. It could be exercise-related (i.e., yoga, running, aerobics, walking). What are you doing to really rejuvenate in the morning? For many, upbeat music are a big motivator and mood booster. Other options aren’t limited to but include prayer, meditation, affirmations, aroma therapy, reading inspirational literature, or listening to inspirational youtube videos. What are you intentionally doing to feed your heart, mind, and spirit? To feed your body with the stamina and focus that you need to be an entrepreneur and with something left over for your spouse or partner. Create a stress plan. And if, by chance, attempts remain difficult: see somebody about it. There are plenty of therapists and plenty of wellness coaches that could help you create one. 2. Have a hard conversation I know what you might think: I’m NOT TRYING TO HAVE ANY EXTRA ARGUMENTS! Why would I want to be intentional about having hard conversations? I do mean some specific ones. You know what might be coming up in your business (i.e., when your schedule will be busier than normal, out-of-town meetings, etc.). You may be in the beginning stages of your business. It’s important to have a conversation about the sacrifice of time or finances that is coming. Discuss and plan for finances to be tight in the beginning. It is better to have those challenging conversations than to be on the other side of your partner feeling blindsided. (Ie. They had no idea that you were planning on dedicating these many hours during the day, and they have no idea that certain plans like vacations or new purchases need to be put on pause). Share in advance if you know you won’t be able to help with the mortgage that month. Grow the courage to talk about it even if you’re afraid. Be prepared to give suggestions of what you are willing to do because of those challenges. (Ie. Are you willing to go back to your full-time job after a certain time period? Or will you get a part-time job if there are financial challenges along the way? If you know it will take a lot of hours to get this thing to where it needs to be, have you dedicated a consistent time slot for each other in addition to those long work hours that you will do?) You want to show that not only are you committed to your business, but you are committed to your family. You are committed to your partner as well. The success of your business matters, but so does your partner’s needs too. And I know many people have this idea: “I am doing this for my family. I am doing this for the legacy, so they don’t have to ever struggle in the future.” “If they would just understand that and stand by me, we would be okay.” But here is the reality: no one wants to feel ignored, neglected, or taken for granted. Placed on a shelf. “I see you when I see you.” When your business is thriving and moving the way you wanted it to, they are gone. Either emotionally or physically. That is why we have candid, challenging conversations. Be open to hearing their suggestions. They also have suggestions that might make them feel better and a little more considered. 3. You must have a NO Work Zone. We all benefit from having limits and boundaries. Boundaries are for you AND your family. You cannot let your business take over your whole life. You must create boundaries to live without common regrets of times you can’t get back. But pertaining to your relationship. Say, in this block of time, there will be no business tasks. If you do not set these boundaries, you run the risk of always working or thinking about work. At the end of life, people often regret chasing money so hard that they didn’t get to enjoy quality time with those they love most. And what did we say before? If we don’t spend that quality time, they will leave either physically or emotionally. An example of knowing that you are creating a no-work zone is you are going to having a consistent date night. Something will always come up. Whether it’s a pandemic or no babysitter, your marriage needs a consistent date night to keep that spark. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Go to dinner, a park, or have a
What Should Couples Discuss About Finances (Overcoming Financial Fights in Your Relationship Part III)
There are a lot of different questions that we should be asking ourselves, especially those that are in a relationship or looking to be married one day. By addressing certain questions regarding our finances: We can get on the same page to understand why we spend. Why are we so conservative? Why are we so restrictive or private with our finances? Why are we in debt? Why do we have bad credit? Discuss these things and put them out on the table. And once we begin to communicate and put together a plan, we agree on which action to take. That resolves a whole lot of arguments right there. Become open and honest about it. We no longer hide those financial decisions or habits that we are not proud of. Marriage is about being honest, open, and revealing. Communication and consistency help build trust. And little communication can also mean secrets. Maybe, when you were dating, you didn’t share that you had these bill balances floating around, and you now know all of these different things going on, and maybe it’s really difficult to talk about it. An article a few years ago stated that 20 to 30% of couples actually hide accounts from their spouse. When we hide things from our spouse, we are damaging trust. Some hide their poor financial decisions out of embarrassment. In marriage, it’s important to share what you don’t understand and, when possible, learn it together or have one teach the other. It’s okay to have made mistakes; just be sure not to run from them. When a spouse opens up, learn to respond with compassion so that they will continue to open up and work as a team. It’s not enough to discuss finances a few times per year. Consider meeting together at least once or twice a month to discuss income and expenses. Come together to see how much money you’ve spent, comparing spending, saving, and investment trends from months before and whether you’re meeting your couples’ financial goals. Sit down and see how much money you do have. Sit down and see what bills are coming in and what needs to be paid. Both of you should know what’s happening financially. Oftentimes, we tend to make money decisions out of emotions. We should be creating a home of security and safety. If your spouse feels safe and secure, She/He has no problem telling meany issues that they may face or any concerns or mistakes that she’s made. They have a safe place with us. We do not judge them for money issues, concerns, or mistakes. Learn to listen. So, when those things come up, we have a place that makes it easier to talk about any financial issues or concerns that you may have. If your finances are causing you extreme stress. Pause… Take a breath. Take a step back. Assess all of what’s happening, especially the positives. Maybe there is still food on the table. You are still in your home. We can overlook these positives and just worry about the future that hasn’t even happened yet. You may have to let it out through tears.But always remember to move forward and have each other’s back. Could you lean all the way back and let your partner catch you? Do you trust them to that extent Friction, low moments like this can be a time where you either turn on each other Or you turn to each other? Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
“The Real Reason You’re Beefin’ In Your Relationship” Part II
As we shared in Part I, The Hailstorm is the pursuer in the relationship during arguments. Pushing the matter even if it’s not the right time or place. You might think the Hailstorm is the one that is problem. They tend to be “the loud ones” during a disagreement. It’s important to understand that neither disagreement style is better than the other. Even with The Elephant in the Room, the person tends to shut down during disagreements. When you get upset about something, you rarely know what matters to you. Your partner won’t fully understand what you actually need or grasp the extent of how important or hurt you are about a matter of shutting down continues. In many cases, you can go years of being upset about certain important things in the marriage without your partner knowing or understanding fully. In avoiding being misunderstood or the stress of conflict, you unintentionally set yourself up in a relationship where you grow distant daily. Appearing normal on the outside but slowly fading away from the marriage. The avoidance of conflict can destroy a relationship. Whether you are The Hailstorm or The Elephant in the Room, you both need the same thing! Take a time out when your blood is nearly boiling or you are becoming overwhelmed. Share that you need a moment to cool off respectfully and share when you would like to revisit the conversation. Breathe… do what you do that brings you calm. Listen to that good music. Take a walk. Watch something funny on TV. Whatever you would like to do. And then come back to it. Some might be concerned about doing this. What if they use this to avoid having a conversation altogether? Remember to take a minute and bring yourself back to the conversation when everyone is calm. As a couple, you should be attacking the problem and not each another. Let’s keep these marriages beautiful and healthy. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
“The Real Reason You’re Beefin’ In Your Relationship” Part I
What is it like for your significant other to disagree with you? It is hard to get anywhere? Is it hard to be on the same page? Here are some important tools or strategies for not just couples but also family members or friends. This information comes from the Imago body of Research and from what I’ve seen and shared with my clients. Usually, we show up as one of Two Disagreement Styles. Either as what we call the Elephant in the Room or the Hailstorm If you are the Elephant in the Room when things get heated and intense with your partner or family member, you have a tendency to get really overwhelmed. The disagreements feel too stressful and make it important to have time to cool down. During arguments, you tend to shut down. When you’ve had enough of the issue, you tend to stop talking and sometimes are accused of seeming to care no longer. You may be viewed as if you are ignoring your partner, but really, you’re overwhelmed and need a minute. When overwhelmed, some might say a joke and try to change the subject. While others may say something rude in order to shut down the whole conversation. When you end the conversation for relief, it is not usually done in a helpful way. Does this sound like you or your spouse? Remember, there is another argument type to consider, the Hailstorm. During disagreements or when your feelings are hurt, you need to resolve the issue right away. What is wrong with that? How could that be a problem, you might ask? The issue is that the pressure is too much and too intense. An example of this is if you are in a category of the hailstorm and you’re in your feelings: you might follow your partner around the room throughout the house. Or you might send them tons of text messages making sure your mate hears you and understands your concerns. You thoroughly review your concerns, even if it entails repeatedly going over the same issue. It simply can’t wait. But the issue is it might not be the right time to talk about it. Especially if your energy is so intense or your partner is overwhelmed. You may make your partner feel so small or cornered that they even feel the need to blow up to match your energy to help them protect their pride, agree with something uncomfortable, or abandon the conversation altogether. This can feel like a parent-child situation, and that’s not sexy at all to have that kind of relationship in a marriage. If you’re in this endless loop in your marriage, ask us about our amazing couples counseling services. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor .
3 Common Mistakes Married Couples Make
What He Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Him. Couples keep secrets from each other for a lot of reasons. Maybe out of fear of judgment, fear of not being able to make decisions without pushback, or even out of something missing in their relationship. Whatever the reason keeping secrets in your marriage leads to the possibility of broken trust. So, whether it’s secret social media accounts or messages, hidden money or accounts, secret lunches or phone calls with the opposite sex: trust can become easily broken. Once trust is broken, it is difficult to repair. As you, is that secret communication with your ex worth it? Secrets usually point to opportunities for you to get your needs or concerns taken seriously in the marriage. Instead of seeking attention, security, or excitement outside of your marriage. Make sure you are making your spouse aware of what you need to find fulfillment in your home. So Your Kids Are The Boss? We sacrifice so much for our children: sleep, money, time, and patience. One thing you do not want to sacrifice is your marriage. It may be a difficult balance at times but pay close attention to how your children may be putting a strain on your relationship. Some common ways parenting habits can become problematic to your marriage: Children sleeping in your bed instead of their own bed regularly. We understand that some families value co-sleeping and the safety protocol of having infants sleep in your room. It’s important to consider, after the toddler stage, whether this sleeping arrangement is impacting your sex life and evening quality time as a couple. It is problematic when parents aren’t on the same page, and the child becomes confused with the expectations or puts one parent against the other. It’s normal for couples to have different discipline styles for their children. Being different is okay, but children need structure and solid expectations to create good behavior habits. This requires parents to have conversations and create a joint plan apart from the children so that it minimizes confusion, conflict, and ongoing behavioral issues when they approach the children. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach
