Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part IV)
A lot of women’s stress comes from relationships. What did your parents teach you about relationships? What did they model for you? All of this stuff is within us, and it shows up somehow. As adults, we get to decide to “eat the meat and leave the bones.” 7. Break the cycle: These are certain cycles (some call generational curses) of certain behaviors you see in families generation after generation. Sometimes it doesn’t show up the same way and can have a different effect depending on the person. For example, when you’ve had a traumatic experience, you might work so hard to not be like your parent. Focusing on being the exact opposite. For example, when a person is in a controlling environment, they might say I’m never going to let anybody control me. In their relationships, they might show up being the controlling person. Or, out of the intense fear you experienced as a young person in a household filled with raging arguments, as an adult, you might shy away from disagreements or disappointing others because your body subconsciously remembers the fear and helplessness during the conflict. These are natural responses to experiencing trauma and can be overcome through therapy. 8. Use your voice: Address the internal issues you may be experiencing unconsciously. Over-responding to similar situations or under-responding is a typical trauma response reaction. When we haven’t healed that area, we put our defenses up. The challenge is that when I put up this emotional wall, I am protected, but unfortunately, support and love can’t come in. Help can’t come in, and love can’t come in. The things I really want can’t come in. So, there’s a cost to holding up this wall. Many of us are probably struggling with not asking for what we need, not asking for support, and maybe being the person who always helps others and gives to others. ] We need to give ourselves permission to grow and be happy, even if it’s scary to get started. With all you’ve been through, you deserve to give that gift to yourself. Consider therapy today. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor.
Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part II)
When we’re constantly moving and shaking, problem-solving, and helping others, we eventually experience burnout. If you are a high-achieving person, an ambitious person at heart, you may experience this often. This may be surprising, but tracking how often burnout happens to you may be very helpful. Burnout often occurs in predictable cycles. For example, if you notice you’re crying or feel anxious more every three months now. You probably need to plan a mini vacation every three months or a vacation. Or if you know, in general, during or after certain projects or events, you become overwhelmed, you likely need to prepare by getting more hands to carry the load and to plan time off or more breaks. Learn your body, and know what it’s trying to tell you. Do not ignore it and push through. Tips for Lowering Stress: 2. Exercise. Our health experts have all told us that exercise is key to preventing certain physical illnesses. It is just as key to lowering stress and anxiety. Learn your preferred way of exercise (i.e. walking, dancing, weightlifting, etc.) and get moving! 3. Track your thoughts. Whatever you usually think about when issues happen will impact your emotions. Not only which emotions you feel but how intense and how long you feel them. Learning your thought patterns is key. Once you learn which critical, fearful thoughts you continue to have, you can decide what thoughts are healthier to think instead. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
Stress Less & Break Cycles (Part 1)
You’ll sleep when you’re dead. Team no sleep. You’ve heard these phrases before. The truth is, it’s only sustainable for a while. Our mind and body will eventually show the wear and tear from years of pushing beyond what is healthy. We can only wear a game face for so long before that mask begins to crack. You might get aches and pains and stress-related illnesses. Stress can also make being patient with loved ones difficult. There are some other costs that we may have yet to consider. Science shows us that someone who has endured highly stressful environments/situations for an extended period experiences brain changes. The part of the brain that produces emotions, fear,, and impulsiveness grows larger. What does that mean? It means we get used to our norm being feeling anxious and chaotic. And what does that do to the body over time? It weakens our body’s ability to fight disease over time. It doesn’t matter what the source of high stress is. It can be ongoing high stress from work, relationships, etc. These things impact your immune system. Stress increases your risk of getting sick. Have you stopped taking care of yourself and instead taking care of everyone else? Checking within to see how you feel and what you need is essential in lowering stress. If you sometimes think emotionally and can’t pinpoint why: There could be a huge disconnect,, and learning what you need is critical! Ask yourself often: “How am I feeling? What do I need right now?” These are preventative measures you can take today, to prevent prolonged stress from turning into something else. You may have endured very toxic situations for so long that your way to get through it, whether in childhood or more recently, is not to feel the stress from it. Emotional numbing is our brain’s way of keeping us safe from intense emotions when not in safe conditions. Examples are an inability to recall details from certain stressful life events or difficulty knowing your feelings. There are ways to can help you work through it. Know how your body responds when you’re at different levels of stress. We all react to our bodies when we’re stressed. Even if you tend to numb your emotions, you can still be observant about what your body does. (Ie: pace, face feeling hot, stomach discomfort, eye twitch, sweat, etc.). Learn what your body does at the low level of experiencing stress. Know what your body does at the middle level and intense level. The extreme level is more evident for most. Learning the reactions at low and moderate levels is essential to do things that will bring down your stress. Make it a habit to no longer wait until you’re under this intense pressure to try to calm down because it will be much more complicated. Working with a therapist can teach you various ways to reduce stress for a healthier life. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
5 Tips Every Entrepreneur Should Do To Save Your Marriage (Part I)
If your relationship is not the same way it used to be. It’s become like a roommate situation. We are here to help you get back to feeling like soulmates. 1. Have a plan for your stress. Running a business is stressful! There is always a problem to be solved; there are new questions, someone needing you, and something to learn all the time. And it’s easy to pull that stress home. This stress may at times, make you moody with having so much on your mind. You already have that level of stress on you trying to figure out problem-solving, training, new software, and learning how to market better. Then your sweetheart comes wanted to have a serious talk about your relationship. Think about the amount of patience you need for the relationship to work well. You’re not going to have enough patience unless you have great ways to deal with your stress. That is why the 1st relationship tip is to manage stress. Some of you will say: “I just push through; I do what I must do.” “I’ll be okay, or I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” That’s not a healthy plan for stress. Create a morning strategy. Think about what you can do in the mornings. Although, we can’t predict what will happen throughout the course of a day nor how much time we’ll have at night. The most predictable amount of time in a day is typically in the mornings. So, I want to challenge you right now to do at least one thing for yourself in the morning. It could be exercise-related (i.e., yoga, running, aerobics, walking). What are you doing to really rejuvenate in the morning? For many, upbeat music are a big motivator and mood booster. Other options aren’t limited to but include prayer, meditation, affirmations, aroma therapy, reading inspirational literature, or listening to inspirational youtube videos. What are you intentionally doing to feed your heart, mind, and spirit? To feed your body with the stamina and focus that you need to be an entrepreneur and with something left over for your spouse or partner. Create a stress plan. And if, by chance, attempts remain difficult: see somebody about it. There are plenty of therapists and plenty of wellness coaches that could help you create one. 2. Have a hard conversation I know what you might think: I’m NOT TRYING TO HAVE ANY EXTRA ARGUMENTS! Why would I want to be intentional about having hard conversations? I do mean some specific ones. You know what might be coming up in your business (i.e., when your schedule will be busier than normal, out-of-town meetings, etc.). You may be in the beginning stages of your business. It’s important to have a conversation about the sacrifice of time or finances that is coming. Discuss and plan for finances to be tight in the beginning. It is better to have those challenging conversations than to be on the other side of your partner feeling blindsided. (Ie. They had no idea that you were planning on dedicating these many hours during the day, and they have no idea that certain plans like vacations or new purchases need to be put on pause). Share in advance if you know you won’t be able to help with the mortgage that month. Grow the courage to talk about it even if you’re afraid. Be prepared to give suggestions of what you are willing to do because of those challenges. (Ie. Are you willing to go back to your full-time job after a certain time period? Or will you get a part-time job if there are financial challenges along the way? If you know it will take a lot of hours to get this thing to where it needs to be, have you dedicated a consistent time slot for each other in addition to those long work hours that you will do?) You want to show that not only are you committed to your business, but you are committed to your family. You are committed to your partner as well. The success of your business matters, but so does your partner’s needs too. And I know many people have this idea: “I am doing this for my family. I am doing this for the legacy, so they don’t have to ever struggle in the future.” “If they would just understand that and stand by me, we would be okay.” But here is the reality: no one wants to feel ignored, neglected, or taken for granted. Placed on a shelf. “I see you when I see you.” When your business is thriving and moving the way you wanted it to, they are gone. Either emotionally or physically. That is why we have candid, challenging conversations. Be open to hearing their suggestions. They also have suggestions that might make them feel better and a little more considered. 3. You must have a NO Work Zone. We all benefit from having limits and boundaries. Boundaries are for you AND your family. You cannot let your business take over your whole life. You must create boundaries to live without common regrets of times you can’t get back. But pertaining to your relationship. Say, in this block of time, there will be no business tasks. If you do not set these boundaries, you run the risk of always working or thinking about work. At the end of life, people often regret chasing money so hard that they didn’t get to enjoy quality time with those they love most. And what did we say before? If we don’t spend that quality time, they will leave either physically or emotionally. An example of knowing that you are creating a no-work zone is you are going to having a consistent date night. Something will always come up. Whether it’s a pandemic or no babysitter, your marriage needs a consistent date night to keep that spark. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Go to dinner, a park, or have a
What Should Couples Discuss About Finances: Overcoming Financial Fights in Your Relationship Part 4
Couples should be looking at or discussing finances. Let’s get more specific: Create a Budget or spending plan. If you have a budget or spending plan. You should be reviewing that regularly. Line item by line item. Decide what expenses or goals need to be cut. What needs to be reduced? In looking at your budget, what needs to be changed, what needs to be fixed, and what needs to be removed? Consider reducing overall spending (If you don’t need it, don’t buy it right now). Assess whether it’s a need VS a want. If you do not have emergency savings, consider limiting your wants. Increase your cash reserve for a savings account. What a great time now to establish an emergency fund to be used only for emergency reasons. Also, Assess your life insurance policy for added protections for your family. We are going to pump money into our priorities rather than our wants. Take action, and be practical when it comes to your finances. Find creative ways to reduce expenses, and you’d be surprised with how much money you can save and use for something else. There are a number of budgeting tools, like budget worksheets. It is a great feeling to see where your money is going. Oftentimes, we are in a relationship with someone with a different spending habit or viewpoint than we do. One maybe freer spirited and more of an abundance thinker, and the other one maybe more conservative and more into planning and saving. You both coming together can be a great balance as long as you’re communicating and you’re valuing each other’s perspectives. Talking about your finances, really working as a team helps with the quality of your life. And I’m a firm believer in creating generational wealth. Who Makes the final decision with finances? The first action is you must come together and discuss the situation or the circumstances. Whatever it is, put everything out on the table. If you’re telling the story, nor the person having to listen, make sure you both understand the financial situation. Then, you come up with some solution, so both parties are involved. You come up with something that you can do. You may have a little bit more knowledge in one area vs. your spouse, but you’re both putting the problem on the table, and you’re coming up with solutions on the table. Then you want to come to an agreement on what you are going to do. Regardless of where this suggestion came from. You both have to come to an agreement. There shouldn’t just be one person who has knowledge about what’s going on in your finances as a family. Regardless, if you have someone who has more of a leadership role. No one should be blind, and everyone’s voice should still count; you are coming together as one and as a team. Create an environment where you can come up with compromises. Accepting that you both have different views versus proving who’s right and who’s wrong. Working together makes life so much easier. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
“The Real Reason You’re Beefin’ In Your Relationship” Part II
As we shared in Part I, The Hailstorm is the pursuer in the relationship during arguments. Pushing the matter even if it’s not the right time or place. You might think the Hailstorm is the one that is problem. They tend to be “the loud ones” during a disagreement. It’s important to understand that neither disagreement style is better than the other. Even with The Elephant in the Room, the person tends to shut down during disagreements. When you get upset about something, you rarely know what matters to you. Your partner won’t fully understand what you actually need or grasp the extent of how important or hurt you are about a matter of shutting down continues. In many cases, you can go years of being upset about certain important things in the marriage without your partner knowing or understanding fully. In avoiding being misunderstood or the stress of conflict, you unintentionally set yourself up in a relationship where you grow distant daily. Appearing normal on the outside but slowly fading away from the marriage. The avoidance of conflict can destroy a relationship. Whether you are The Hailstorm or The Elephant in the Room, you both need the same thing! Take a time out when your blood is nearly boiling or you are becoming overwhelmed. Share that you need a moment to cool off respectfully and share when you would like to revisit the conversation. Breathe… do what you do that brings you calm. Listen to that good music. Take a walk. Watch something funny on TV. Whatever you would like to do. And then come back to it. Some might be concerned about doing this. What if they use this to avoid having a conversation altogether? Remember to take a minute and bring yourself back to the conversation when everyone is calm. As a couple, you should be attacking the problem and not each another. Let’s keep these marriages beautiful and healthy. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor
“The Real Reason You’re Beefin’ In Your Relationship” Part I
What is it like for your significant other to disagree with you? It is hard to get anywhere? Is it hard to be on the same page? Here are some important tools or strategies for not just couples but also family members or friends. This information comes from the Imago body of Research and from what I’ve seen and shared with my clients. Usually, we show up as one of Two Disagreement Styles. Either as what we call the Elephant in the Room or the Hailstorm If you are the Elephant in the Room when things get heated and intense with your partner or family member, you have a tendency to get really overwhelmed. The disagreements feel too stressful and make it important to have time to cool down. During arguments, you tend to shut down. When you’ve had enough of the issue, you tend to stop talking and sometimes are accused of seeming to care no longer. You may be viewed as if you are ignoring your partner, but really, you’re overwhelmed and need a minute. When overwhelmed, some might say a joke and try to change the subject. While others may say something rude in order to shut down the whole conversation. When you end the conversation for relief, it is not usually done in a helpful way. Does this sound like you or your spouse? Remember, there is another argument type to consider, the Hailstorm. During disagreements or when your feelings are hurt, you need to resolve the issue right away. What is wrong with that? How could that be a problem, you might ask? The issue is that the pressure is too much and too intense. An example of this is if you are in a category of the hailstorm and you’re in your feelings: you might follow your partner around the room throughout the house. Or you might send them tons of text messages making sure your mate hears you and understands your concerns. You thoroughly review your concerns, even if it entails repeatedly going over the same issue. It simply can’t wait. But the issue is it might not be the right time to talk about it. Especially if your energy is so intense or your partner is overwhelmed. You may make your partner feel so small or cornered that they even feel the need to blow up to match your energy to help them protect their pride, agree with something uncomfortable, or abandon the conversation altogether. This can feel like a parent-child situation, and that’s not sexy at all to have that kind of relationship in a marriage. If you’re in this endless loop in your marriage, ask us about our amazing couples counseling services. Written by: Natasha D. Oates, Award-winning therapist & marriage counselor .
Stress Less at Work
Winter is coming! It’s a time of year when many people’s emotions take a nosedive. The cold of winter and lack of sunlight can challenge shaking the blues! Some of the simplest things can give your mood a much-needed boost. Being around nature can improve mood and lower anxiety. But let’s face it; it’s cold outside in most places in the US. 1. Working in front of a large window can do wonders. What can set our soul on fire or create an amazing calm? 2. Music Stick to upbeat tunes or soft melodies in your choice of genre. Be mindful to avoid songs with lyrics that provoke anger or are depressing. Pandora and Spotify are great free options for continuous listening. Where can you learn about anything, get big laughs, or a free pick-me-up? 3. Youtube Just put in some earbuds and smile while you work listening to your favorite comedians. Or maybe you’re a fan of inspirational speakers? Do you enjoy speakers like Brene Brown, Eric Thomas, or Les Brown? This does the heart well too. 4. Take your breaks! Simple right? The truth is, it can be very tempting to work through lunch or skip breaks. Deadlines don’t care that you’re hungry…right? On the other hand, breaks can position you for fresh ideas and a welcomed second wind. We are more prone to mistakes and mental blocks when we don’t take time to regroup and pull away. 5. Get your butt up! Are you sitting for most of the day? The mood booster you need at work may also be connected to moving your feet. Exercise is a natural medicine for stress and mild anxiety, and depression. Does your job have a fitness perk or a safe place for walking nearby? Get moving! 6. Be intentional about your spiritual health. Our wellness involves mind, body, AND spirit. What can you do to strengthen and honor your spirit? Is it giving back? A faith-based devotional? Music? Church? It’s important to explore what fills your cup spiritually too. Having a sense of purpose goes beyond waking up and working every day. Creating a sense of belonging and meaning in your life is powerful. One last tip that will give your mood wings… 7. Gratitude Practicing gratitude can really give you a powerful perspective and boost. Just keep a small jar on your desk and every day jot down something that means so much to you. At the end of the week, you can read what you’ve written down for the week. Written By: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach
