Overcoming Dead-End Disagreements (Part II)

Is there such a thing as a good fight? A peaceful argument? A productive disagreement? The truth is…having disagreements is a normal part of being in a relationship. When couples go through major life events (like a new job, new baby, new home, etc.), studies show that it is normal for couples to argue more during the initial transitional period. Make sure you take a look at Part I for more tips on fighting fair. Couples going through these changes should keep the following tips in mind: You know what you don’t like, but do you also know what you need? Take time to think of these specifics and share each one. Your partner shouldn’t just know or have to guess. Give them the road map. 2. Be honest with yourself and your spouse. Share your concerns. Set yourself free. Share who you really are. What you really need. And what your real limitations are with certain things. In a marriage, you sometimes have to remind your spouse that you’re human, not perfect, and despite that still deserve love, respect, and acceptance. 3. Give your reasons. Attempt to help your partner understand you better. Give them a context of just how important the issue is to you. Sometimes spouses haven’t addressed your needs because they assumed it was a want and not an important need. 4. Admit when you’re wrong. A humble pie is the most important food you’ll eat in marriage. Own your ish. Show your partner you care about how your actions impacted them or hurt their feelings. 5. Make sure you understand each other’s position by repeating it back to them. Couples make a lot of assumptions about how they think their partner feels about certain issues. This misinformation can create problems that do not exist or waste efforts. It may feel awkward to do at first, but this can help prevent a lot of confusion in important conversations. Written By: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach .

Overcoming Dead-End Disagreements (Part I)

Is there a such thing as a good fight? A peaceful argument? A productive disagreement? The truth is…having disagreements is a normal part of being in a relationship. When couples go through major life events (like a new job, new baby, new home, etc.) studies show that it is normal for couples to argue more during the initial transitional period. Couples going through these changes should keep the following tips in mind: Nothing can be more challenging to a passionate person than not accidentally talking over or interrupting their spouse during disagreements. It’s usually unintentional, but overtaking, interrupting, and dominating the discussion is one of the quickest ways to disengage your partner or at the very least get on their nerves. 2. Let go of over-proving your point. Look for possible compromises. I know you just want to get your partner to understand where you’re coming from. But after more than a few attempts trying to get them to see your point, it can come off as your partner thinking that you are unwilling to move forward unless it was your idea. That their opinions or concerns don’t matter. 3. Try not to make general statements, like saying “You always forget to make the bed, you never compliment me.” It can give the impression to your spouse that you will never be satisfied because you don’t acknowledge the instances when they do show changes. 4. Follow through with agreements made. This is a trust factor. It will become difficult for your partner to feel they can trust you if you ultimately do your own thing even after you both have decided on a plan. You may see it as changing plans based on new needs, but they may view it as a lack of security or deception that doesn’t help them to feel confident in making other major decisions with you. 5. Allow for a break (at least 20 min) when disagreements get stressful or heated. Return to discuss the issue again once things are calm. You may feel an urgency to settle matters right then and there. But if the energy is super tense, your good intentions could lead to more problems. Our tone, tact, and patience often go out the window when we feel stressed. It’s better to calm down, so we don’t blow up or shut down. Let each other know when you need a minute to cool off. Written By: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach

Red Flags Most People Overlook in Relationships & What to do now? Part III

Ah oh! You’ve noticed significant red flags in your relationship, and you’re wondering what to do now?! (If you haven’t already, make sure you read Parts I & II of this blog post) Step 1: Be honest with yourself about what’s happening in your relationship. To avoid facing fear we sometimes make situations seem smaller than they are in real life. Assume that things will get better on their own over time. Or that if we pay attention to what’s happening it’ll only get worse. This is NOT the time to lean on these fear-based anecdotes. Be honest with yourself about what is happening, how often, how intense, and the impact it’s having. Step 2: We must face the future. Whatever we do not address, oftentimes gets worse over time (not better). If these red flags continue and worsen over time, what will the relationship be like in 5, 10, 20 years? Will there even be a relationship to salvage? What impact can this have on your mind, body, and spirit? Or your children’s? We must wake up and no longer be comfortable with a path that isn’t healthy. Step 3: Oftentimes, these concerns did not begin with you. And are learned behaviors from responses to family dynamics or tragic experiences. It is important to understand the cycle and to break it. If these behaviors aren’t addressed not only can they impact your relationship, but potentially your children’s future relationships also. Step 4: Know what you want. Oftentimes we are clear about what no longer works for us. What type of behaviors we don’t want to happen in our relationships? What’s sometimes challenging to envision is what we do want. What would be working towards creating? How would you know you’ve arrived at that place in your relationship without a clear vision? Step 5: Create a plan and get support to achieve it. Now that you’ve dared to be honest with yourself, realized what would happen if things don’t change, and facing the realities of what can be it’s time to get support. If it were easy enough to resolve it on your own, you would’ve already done it by now. You will want to connect with a relationship expert who is experienced, trained, and personable enough for you to feel comfortable opening up to. We recommend youconnect with a provider with proven results. We welcome you to connect with us at The UP Company. Written By: Natasha D. Oates, Award-Winning Therapist & Relationship Coach